I Think It's Finally Gonna Happen

It been awhile since I posted but it has been pretty normal since my last post nothing to major to report as far as breaking news which is good. Things have progressed in the baby making because I officially took control of my infertility (as my BFF would put it) LOL and got myself on Clomid. If everything goes okay and it does what it is supposed to I should be pregant within the 3-4 mths range but there is always an "if" in anything so "if" it doesn't work then we should move up to a higher dose and try that. Of course I am hoping that that won't be the case but I am trying to stay positive. Key word is '"try" nobody said I would LOL I've pretty much picked back up on my smoking which is a shame cause I pretty much had that habit bet and I think I just got bored...That sounds crazy I know but it is SO true! Which pretty much I just screwed myself cause if I do get pregant I'm just going to have to stop again...no sence but that is pretty much me!! Right? lol I am going to start a little email address for the baby and send her pictures and messages kinda like a diary of everything we are doing to get ready for her/him, oh yeah and  it's gonna be a girl?!! I'm jk if it's healthy than I don't care it could be a green kid and I wouldn't care it would be mine! Clomid is making me feel weird with hot flashes that I was pre-warned about and then it's backed with some heavy emotions. So far I just feel like a wreck, unorganized and just need a little bit more quiet time. Everything just gets so hectic with work and Peixin and errans two day weekends are not enough. Before Peixin got here I was feeling really great I had all my ducks in a row and was enjoyin some down time and then all of a sudden that all went out the door. It's just one of those things I guess. I really just need to remind myself that the weekends need to be used for rest instead of running running running and use the week day for that. Anyways, I'm making myself tired talking about it. As far as the family goes, hubby is doing good. We just added a new car to the family is Nissian Versa!! He finally got rid of the buick and I was so happy cause now I don't feel bad about him driving the car I wrecked. So he is enjoying have a new car to and it looks good with him. The hubbys birthday was this weekends and he is SPOLIED and defently agrees we need a child because I bought cookie monster wrapping paper for his presents and I GUESS treated him like a child but whatever I got him a BIG pen to wear on his shirt that said BIRTHDAY BOY hehehe and a couple of other lil things and he got his underwear all in a twist, I thought it was funny. But I got him some shoes, clothes and two lowrider hats that he has been wanting ever since I can remember. He is right I do need a kid cause I am going to have SOO much fun!! Peixin has been alot more mature this year than last and has also been on her A game when it comes to school and applying to college. We actually have been able to spend some alone time just us girls this year and its been alot better. I have no clue where the time went last year when she was stayin with us but I didnt get anything that I had planned for us done. I regret alot of it becaue I only have one more school year with her and then thats it...she has mentioned staying another 2 years if she goes to a junior college but I don't see that happening, of course she is more than welcome but I know she will get into a great University. And the thought of her leaving forever just breaks a piece of my heart alittle. As far as hosting again I don't see it happening but I hope the oppurtunity comes back around in the future cause I really enjoy it. Nathan has started 2nd grade and it just full full full of energy and learning new things. Sometimes it suprises me on how much he actually does know and how much he has grown. We have had some behavor problems as far as lieing and not turning in his homework but for the most part, he is a really good kid. As far as work is going, we are getting ready for another busy season. alice is out for a month cause her husband is having back surgery so I am doing her work plus mine right now and its been tricky. I've had complaments and some nasty remarks which have pissed me off but I knew that was going to happen its normal so I just try and suck it up and not take it personal. However my boss did go a little far this morning and send everyone an email with my mistake and asked "what would you go if you saw this"....and of course the bitches all responded with their way of how they would handle it...UGH annoying! that kinda pissed me off but it was petty and I wasn't going to let it get to me. However, i did respond to my boss to let her know how it makes people feel when she does that...just because nobody likes that and she called it a way for us to learn but I don't think they should single out just one person like that and put them on blast to the whole office. Cause in this office EVERYONE makes mistakes and we all fix each others. It's just how we roll lol jk we aint cool like that but in a dream world we would all love each other and fix each others problems when we see it instead of sending emails and blind coping it to everybody LOL yes, they really do that!! That is such a waste of time I hate sending emails on every little thing its annoying, now some people just can't seem to get enough. On a happy note I have been learning alot and actually I have been giving myself lil pats on the back cause I know I'm doing a good job! I treat people really good and answer their questions and if I can't make sure I find someone who can. We have come up with a name for a girl and a boy. For a girl Jaedyn Renee and for a boy Noah...

Listening to a few of my favorites!!

And thats only a few! I love music

A Movie Night

Just got through watching this movie and I must say it was freaking crazy, I still am in shock. Have you seen it and what do you think?

A Change in the Air

Been awhile since I blogged and I really was just being lazy. lol After the move I think I wore myself completely out cause that whole wkend I was so weak and just did not want to do anything except sleep or stay inside and that's just not me. I have mostly everything put up and house is really nice and I love how it looks inside and out. The only problem is that I always get this real errie feeling like something is watching me it's really weird cause Jose has been feeling it too. It's when you climb up the stairs it's just like something is behind you or something. Idk....I really don't get to much into ghost but Jose belives in them 100% and says we need to bless the house soon. Kinda scary Anyways the place used to old doctors offices back in the day so...weird a co-worker told me that and I wish she wouldn't have. I guess I really don't worry about ghost and all that cause my main faith is in god and that is it. but anyways everything else has been good Jose got his first pay check from his new job and we were happy with it. His job is turning out to be good and he likes what he does and the people he works with and I couldn't be more happier for him. It's hard to find a good job and good people to work with, so good for him. Since the recent lost of a friend and Peixin going home I must say it has made me feel pretty lonely. I almost went to see my mom this past wkend but I'm still just not that exicted about it and scared I don't want it to be like before when I was always getting my feelings hurt. So it just kinda leaves me lost on what to do. I've kinda thrown myself out there more and made friends with a couple of new people some from the past that I reconnected with and some new ones. None of which haven't really hit home as far as a bestie goes lol but ya know they are pretty cool. The thing about all of it is you know they invite us over for dinner and idk I guess I'm just boring or antisocial but I just don't want to so that lol I mean it's always a bit akward for me tryin to make convo and sometimes I just get really embarrased, idk lol  I like hanging out with people I already feel comfortable with cause I know them...yeah I know I need to get over it if I want to meet new friends lol This wkend we both had a good time with Joses sister and it helped me to get together. We will never be tight like some sister in laws are but whatever shes cool sometimes.  We also had some disturbing news about Jose's mom, she has been on dialysis for almost one year and things are not getting better. From what I understand the medicines are now eating up her insides, the doctors have explained their concern and let us know we should now spend as much time as we possibly can with her. I am really scared for Jose because out of all the brothers and sister he has him and his mom are the closest, he is the baby and his mom just babys him like nobody buisness lol. It really breaks my heart for my husband because I know how much he loves his momma and for the whole family as well. It is going to be really hard for them and for even me because she was a great woman. Nothing is really new at work really it's been pretty slow and stuff but it's nice cause I just surf the internet all day=)....I take full advantage while I can lol I still haven't found any hobbies yet lol Me and Nathan went into the craft store this weekend to look around and idk what I want to do....lol just kinda left me more confused. I really didn't want to do any of it I am not interested in anything anymore. lol What is wrong with me the only thing I did end up enjoying all wkend was Donkey Kong lol Me and Nathan beat it all the way to world 3. lol Video Games wtf is wrong with me. lol ugh anyways I have been really interested with finda paintings, drawlings, or pictures people take. idk what I could do with that but I have been printing them off and keeping them in a little binder maybe to trace out or something..?? who knows. A pretty good friend of mine is opening up a business pretty soon (Hopefully) on doing birthday parties and she told me she could use the help and she would pay me so that could be a little fun and make a little money on the side. Kinda more her idea than mine but ya know these days I am just searching for something to do, wow I sound like a loser. lol I need a baby =( cept nothing has really happened on that...I haven't went to the doctor and I haven't really been keeping up with anything. Kinda sounds like I am being lazy don't it. huh, maybe I am just being really lazy. I do tend to be lazy lol for longer than I should, but you know this is the first time that things have been peacefully weird and it's kinda nice to be lazy. I think my life is alot different than most friends of mine probably would explain the whole feeling of feeling like we were on completely different pages all the time. Whatever it was or is I am so happy for Jose because I love him lots and he is my homie, lover and friend. Yeah we fight but we love just as hard and no matter what, we are going to be there for each other through thick and then.

Missing You

Today I am so sad because Peixin went home....I know everything is going to be okay and she will be back next year but it was so heart breaking to see her go. I just miss her that is it. It is so sad that when I ride to work in the morning by myself and it is so sad to not see her in her room. Her stuff is all gone from her room and it looks so bare and empty. I miss her. She was my responsiblility and I had to cook and clean for her and when I was upset or sad I made myself be happy around her so she wouldn't know and now it just feels like I have nothing to do. I don't have alot of people so the ones I do have I just hold onto so much and it just breaks my heart that she had to leave. This next year is going to be all about her and I don't give a crap if I spoil her to much or give her way too much time it's the last year I am going to have with her and I am going to make it the best! I didn't relize how much I loved her until she left on that plane. When we got into town from dropping her off I got me a pizza and box of chocolates and went straight home turned the air down put some jammies on and ate them in bed and watched Harry Potter, I am such a drama queen lol....I really needed to be up getting ready for the move but I just didnt have it in me.....Jose just let me chill and from the look on his face it was just the way he was feeling too........It's a sad time in the our House I'm glad for the move that place just isn't the same.....

Losing a Friend and 5th Day of Gratitude

Today I am thankful for friendship, it's a wonderful thing to have.....

A Reminder

Losing a friend is indeed something you will never desire. But the best thing is to carry on with your life and make newer friends. This is because life may take away something but it does give you something else in return. So, have patience and wait for better times to come. You may again find good friends who are likely to understand you much better than perhaps your old friends have ever done.

Me:

I lost a friend today over well, I don't know that I understand why but something just tells me that it was meant to be. I am still pretty upset and feeling a bit blue. I hate losing people. Once you are in my heart that person will always be there no matter even if they have stabbed it, that's just who I am. I really don't have much to blog about on this I just needed to tell what happened today thats it.....

This week it nothing but getting ready to move. I should be moving this wkend! Ready for the change hopeing this is a good move and no more problems. I am very very very tired of renting. The day I stop renting I am going to celebrate BIG! Started my period NOT pregant! Big suprise...NOT! Looks like it is back to marking the calendar and making doctor visits..yippee. Peixin is leaving this Thursday and not coming back till next school year...I'm just losing all my love...=( tear lol I'm still battling the red kool-aid stain in the room and I am praying with a friends steam cleaner I can get it up tonight! I bought me some really cute sandals this wkend at Ross and Shoe Carnival I'll post pics of them but I am getting ready for capris and painted toes...Really ready to go get my feet done =) I had a great lunch with friends this wkend it was so relaxing and just cool. I can always be myself around those girls and just relax. They are always honest no matter what and can make me laugh. The food was great and the margarita was better! It was just what I needed and I hope we can have many many more dates together. I am sure with the new status of me a certain person I can look forward to get my feelings hurt when it comes to lunch dates with the girls...=(  But life goes on and I just need to stay positve and keep going. Tommorrow is a new day!

4th Day of Gratitude

Today I am thankful for the weekends.......

I love friday night because that means no cooking for me!! We hardly ever do anything on friday night except order in and watch movies, play the wii or we might play a bored game but rarely.  I love it cause everyone takes a bath and we all get in our jammies and snuggle on the couch....Saturday mornings I love waking up to my hubby and just laying in bed that extra hour or so with him. I love how cold it is in the mornings and how my sheets and pillows feel. I am always in an extra sweet mood knowing I don't have anywhere to be!! I always get up and make coffee and Nathan will wake up not long after I do and turns the TV on for catroons or to play the wii. I usally try and keep it as quiet as possible cause I love it...There is something wonderful knowing the people you love are safe and asleep in their beds.  I always start a load of laundry and drink my coffee while Nathan watches his cartoons or plays the wii. Jose will usually get up and come sit with me and talk over coffee and then about 30 min or so here comes Peixin looking for coffee lol She usually joins in on the conversation with questions out the wazoo lol I hardly cook on the weekends or try to cook very little just cause I cook supper every night during the week so it's my break....We usally eat something easy like pancakes,waffles, eggs, or coffee bread in the am. Sometimes I run to McDonalds and great breakfast bisquits to eat. When we get motivated or when the coffee pot is empty lol we get dressed and leave to pay bills and gro shop. I usally drop Peixin off at the mall while we run around. Most of the time I really hate this part of the day cause of the traffic and running in and out of everywhere but it has to be done...and with me getting of everyday at 5 I only have one day to do everything. We finally make it home and I usually start cooking and cleaning the house a bit. It's just so relaxing being able to be with my family all day and taking care of them. I love it. Sundays are usually spent visiting and cleaning  Jose's mom house or taking a little ride for a picnic or just being lazy around the house. If we need to mow or clean the cars we usually do it on Sundays. I always try and make a big supper and attend Church but it doesn't happen as often as is should. However I love my wkends as boring and as old as I sound. I like being home and keeping my house clean and smelling good and taking care of my family.

Day 3 of Gratitude-Plus A Few New Pieces of Me

Today I am thankful for my Job and my husbands Job. There are alot of people right now that are still struggling to find a job. I am happy that we both have one to go to in the morning. Although I do wish the people I worked with were a bit nicer I manange to come every week for that pay check.

I took a test last night and it did come out negative which suprised me because I still am not on my period and today would make me exactly 5 days late which is unusal for me. I'm still hoping the test came out wrong....and I am still under direct order not to be moving anything while I am packing and moving during this week and next. We have one more week until we get into our new place and I have to say I am really ready at first I was so sad but these past couple of nights I have not been sleeping good in our room and just ready to be some place new. I think I am going to enjoy the convience care free living of apt living. The new place does have an upstairs which will take some getting used to but it does have two bathrooms that I am so happy to have one in my bedroom. Me and Hubs room have a really nice balconey with a sliding door in our room which will be nice for us. I like the idea of going upstairs to get away when I need to....the only thing that really bothers me ALOT is fire! We  had a house fire and I was scared so much from it I refused to ever live in an upstairs but when it came around I really didn't have much choice.So looks like I gotta get rid of my fear.... Moving is probably going to be simple because we are throwing away most stuff and taking nothing. This next school year I am going to dig into redorating my house and all my hand me down furniture is getting tossed now. We might be sitting on table chairs for awhile but in time its gonna look great. I already have the ideas that I want for each room and the colors! For me there is nothing better than my house. I make it the way I want it for me to feel comfortable cause when I come home from work I want to come home and relax in a nice house. There is nothing better.....Peixin is going to be leaving next week and me and jose are taking off of work to drive her to the Houston Airport. Jose has really gotten attached to Peixin and doesn't want her to go. I think he is going to miss her alot. He asked me this morning how I felt about it and if I was going to be okay and by looking at his face I kinda knew he was talking about himself lol. It's going to be alittle depressing cause it's going to be lonely and quite with her gone. But I told him we really needed the break after such a ruff 1/2 of a year and with him working at a good job now I can really use this summer to relax and recharge the batteries. I have SO many projects that I never got around to doing to keep me busy this summer and with work being slow durning these months its really my time that I can do alot around the house. I have some art work that I really want to get up in my room or something and I really dont know how I am going to do that just yet and I really have some blankets that I want to sew together for Nathan and Jose so we will see. I also have a random list of DVD's and VHS ( yes I still love VHS) and books that I want to get from Amazon that I never got so I can make a personal little library for myself! I mean that is just some of the things I want to do for myself this summer and they are simple things that would just make my life nice I think. I have also found some really interesting blogs on here but most I already notice say they put it on priviate because sometimes people leave rude comments I guess. I was thinking maybe I would not make mine private so I can maybe meet some other ladies like me out there but I really don't want to deal with the hassle of rude comments and stupid people. However I was able to add a couple of pages that I thought for me was really interesting. I added two Italian ladies that post a new authentic dish everyday. I have to translate the recipes but the picutres are amazing and I love all the different varities of coffee breads, cookies and desserts. I really can't wait to be in the new place cause I'm gonna get down with it in the kitchen.  I think it would give me peace inside to know something about where my roots are, even though I am half and we are Italian American lol Another page I found was a lady who draws these wonderful drawlings of Sci-fi animations. Although I am really not into that kind of thing I love the art, the colors and all she has done and I praise anyone for doing what they love. I also came across unique photography and so much more things.

Today I have been looking at other blogs and I have ran across some wonderful people. I so love the world and all the cultures it's one on my favorite things. I love to meet new people from different cultures aand learn all about them and what they do. I have found every place and culture has a diffrent way of thinking and morals than us. These paintings remind me that there is a world outside of America that is governed by different laws and the people live a different way of life. We all share the love for our families, we all experience the same joy from our children and all are witness to the amount of burdens we carry. We do not fall far from the same tree. These love these paintings and I thought I would share them with you.

Today I am thankful for my husband. For all those first years of putting up with my wild young years and sticking around. For giving me room to learn on my own and holding me when I found out you had been right. For taking me back all those times I was wrong for leaving.....Love you

Me & Peixin

Our Friendship is one that I will cherish all my time.

100 days of gratitude

So since I am the most negative person on the face of the earth I've decided to copy a cheerful blogger and post one thing I am thankful for everyday for 100 days. Truth be told I use my blog to bitch and it's ugly...

First things first it was my birthday this weekend I completely did not even want to get dressed up to go out and eat or nothing. So we ordered pizza and played the Wii friday night. All the ladies at work got me a cheese cake and I had some left over to enjoy with the family after our pizza. Nathan and Jose lit a candle and pulled the mattress to the living room for a sleep over them cause yall know I turned 4! LOL anyways it was just what the doc ordered cause I was so relaxed and chilled. And I was thankful to have had such a chill birthday cause lord knows I needed it....after that week.

Jose starts a new Job today! I couldnt be more thankful than that!! This job has 45 hours a wk plus overtime and monthly bonuses. Medical and all the works. SO I AM HAPPY!!!!

We signed a new lease on saturday at a local apt complex in Bryan. I am really going to miss my duplex so much I want to cry. I loved my yard and the location. The neighborhood was so quite and nice. With the trouble I was having with our current landlord I was so so THANKFUL to have found our new landlord. She is helping us out so much on the move in dates so I won't need to put my stuff in storage and then move again. I couldn't have been luckier to have found her at that time cause I was so stressed out. I hate moving it's so MUCH trouble and I move every year. ugh I can't wait to stop renting that will be the day!

I am also very thankful that I am now 3 days late....I kinda felt different with all the panic attacks I've had and there was actually 2 days awhile back where I slept from the time I got home from work until I got up and then again the next day...I was so tired and I thought it was because of my patches but now I am thinking maybe I could be pregant. The thought could not make me more happier but I also know that I have been so dissappointed so many times before so I'm scared to even say it but that's what I am thinking. Like I said we want it to be true SO MUCH so I hope it is right. I took two pregancy test this wkend and both came out with some error?? Isn't that weird it kinda scared me cause that's not an answer maybe it's too soon to tell so we are going to wait until the 18th if nothing I think there is a really good chance that I am. I guess just wait and see the story of my life...

Peixin is leaving for for the summer on the 26th, which I will say has been a day that I am ready for, in the nicest way possible. And I can say this because I feel she is my daughter. But lordy lordy she has teasted my sanity. This summer I will def. enjoy it to the last drop before she comes back. Although the house will not be the same and I will miss her so much...I truely can say I love her so much, we diffently have had a time getting to know each other. She is such good company and puts a certain joy in my heart that nobody else could. I'll miss our ride to school in the mornings and in the afternoons when we weren't racing to not be late lol! I won't miss soy sauce and your dirty room. I will miss saturday morning cartoonsoh my gosh Im cryin lol
I hope your ugly boyfriend drops dead so I won't need to worry about him next year. It sounds like I am writting her a letter. wow okay I need to do that before I embarrasses everyone at the airport that day. I wish it wasn't so many things going on this year cause I had so many stuff planned for us to do together but it was so weird how Peixin has fit into our family....I don't think I will be able to do this with another child again. She was a great addition.

Nathan will be with us the whole month of July. So I need to find something for him to do quick. I can't keep in the house or send him with Joses Mom I need to find some place, camp, sports or something to keep him busy. because that boy will drive me up a wall if he don't have ntohing to do. He reminds me of my dad hyper. He can not sit still and I mean ITS bad at one point this year he bit his nails to the bone and it's because to have something to do. When he is sleeping he grinds his teeth or moves his foot can't sit still not even in his sleep. So I want to keep him active. Everyone should see how cute he is, he is now wearing glasses. He's a doll. A hyder doll lol

Easter

So the Easter weekend was nice. Hubs and Me finally got back in sync with each other after a strange phase of getting on each other nerves. Who would have known we just needed to spend a weekend shooting it out on black ops! We both thought each other was very sexy killing folks.We are weird yes I know. LOL Ugh lifes a trip.

Anyways so most of you know I have quit smoking and it's been suprisingly very easy with my handy dandy patches. I mean I have had a couple of iritable days and little urges here and there but nothing I can't handle. Well I left work friday during lunch to go cash my check and run around a pay a few bills cause of the Easter Holiday and all I didn't know what was going to be closed. The traffic was SO SO bad. I'm driving in College Station going down Texas Ave and I have a very very slow person in front of me and a very pissed off person in back of me, which makes me nervous period. but the person in backs besides to go around me right in the same time the slow person decides to get out of our way. This truck completely slams on his breaks to avoid hitting the slow person and BAM someone rear ends the truck. I finally pass the slow car and see little old grandma just driving along doesn't even know what just happened...In my head I'm thinking these freaking people are crazy I'm going to pull over get some gas and get back to work these bills can wait. So I see Kroger and begin to turn in when the person in front of me turns into the lane that everyone leaving krogers gets in!!! Oh my gosh so ppl are honking and freakin out cause he can't figure out how to get out and I'm not moving cause the people behind me won't back up...so he finally gets through and we end up both headed for the gas station....This whole time I can feel my anixiety level rasing higher and higher. Pull up behind this big ass truck getting gas and wait for about 20 min till he fills that damn thing up and then he cant get out.......cause the gas thing in front has ppl who are in line the opposite way so he decides he is going to back up between me and the other people on the other side. HIS TRUCK GETS SO CLOSE TO MINE I JUST KNOW THEY ARE GOING TO HIT....and my anxiety attack hits me! I felt like I couldnt breathe, I'm scared, now I'm blocked in and can't move....I didnt even put gas I waited there for about 30 min until I could get out went home crying and called into work That I wasnt going back!! Jose finally got me calmed down we he got home from work but I still insisted on not leaving the house till the next day! Yesturday I forgot to put on my patch and really just had the urge to smoke after lunch and then that whole rest of the work day by the time I got home I WAS TIRED. I cooked dinner and passed out around 6:30 and slept until I had to get up the this morning for work and I so did not want to. But I got up in such a bad mood lol it was so ridiculous. And then about 9am I got sick!! Light headed, naused, hot flashes. I thought I was going to have to get Jose to come get me and take me to the hospital. I looked up the side effects of the patches and sure enough everything I was feeling was a symptom. Scared me half to death I riped that damn thing off my arm and threw it away. It even causes anxiety which would explain my little episode at Krogers. I just can't understand it it was working so great and then just this past week it affected me so bad. I have such a weird body geez. Anyways no more patches I hate taking all those meds they subscribe anyways. I mean they have a commerical they explain the drug and then the side effects may include cancer, heart attacks, cronic headaches, internal bleeding! Yeah your sinuses might be gone but your gonna have a damn heart attack in the next week or so. crazy fools. Thats why I am scared to take all that stuff cause you might be destroying your body you never know. From now on it's going to be cold turkey people better watch out because I am going to be such a bitch I already know.

A little bit of Easter Blues:
So I got home Saturday afternoon and when I pulled up I noticed a little purple Easter basket sitting next to my door. I knew who it was from,  my mom....It had some finger nail polish a little thing of body spray and a stuffed rabbit with some candy. It really melted my heart...I loved it! It was so sweet of her to think of me and give me a basket like I was still a little kid. But, you work next door to my house and you have never stopped by. I got my new lease in the mail that same day and relized I have almost been living there for a whole year and you dont even know what the inside of my house looks like. Shelley was down this wkend and called and invited me to go out to my moms....how could I? It doesnt feel the same anymore. It's just akward. Then she said well Larry isnt going to be there. Oh wow so he leaves and I come over like nothing ever happend. I just want to point this out! Okay all of you know that I forgive people like nothing I hardly ever stand up for myself but this is something that I won't back down from. Until she makes an effort to make things right again. Until she shows ME that she wants to be apart of my life. I am not going out of my way to fix things with her. Shelley and Jessica upset me because they are putting Oh had such a wonderful Easter...Really?? You know I am going to see that. But your gonna rub it in aren't you? and make me feel bad.They both bend over backwards so they can have her in their lives. I aint doing it. Anyways I don't see what is the big deal about my mother other than she is like a fun friend other than that I really don't see why people try so hard to get along with her. But whatever I was sad because I really didn't have a family to celebrate Easter with. I felt alone completely. It was just Jose, Peixin and me and Peixin wanted to go chat with her bf. It's my new life my own family I guess but it sure doesn't seem complete sometimes. I miss my family but I don't miss my mom always hurting my feelings and letting me down.

Not A Good Choice

So I'm pretty much passed pissed I'm just plain angry! Over the passed months all of our 2's have announced their retirement. Neatless to say that is bascially saying here is a promotion to all of the 1's next in line which would include ME! Today the new lady that has been here a little over a month is now training for what I thought was going to be my new job with the great pay raise that I really need. YES!!! Because she has prior experience and has age over me. So as of now all my friends the 1's will be moving to their new offices with their great pay raises while I stay behind training the new 1's for the upcoming busy season. Swollow another blow below the knees Natalie. Suck it up and move on....yeah right!!! HA suck it up until when? Once they get in those position ain't nobody going no where. I will be a 1 for the next 20 years until one of them decides to retire. I feel so betrayed how can they do that? I'm next in line and I have shown enough responsiblity for that job. Honestly when I saw that other girl training I cried, but I don't want them to see me upset so i snapped out of it. I just don't know how I am going to suck it up it's almost unbearable. I'm not that strong. Then I thought well I can ask one of the 2's to train me in secret and prove myself at least give her some competition. When I asked the lady said she would but she doesn't have the authority to take me from my work and just train me. I would have to ask one of the bosses. Thing is is that the new lady has now become friends with the suck ups and the bosses always take their sides. So I'm not sure if I do go in there if they will shrug me off and if I really try my hardest it will be for nothing and leave me more upset than now. And I don't want to battle I'm gonna have to kiss major ass and the thought of it just makes me sick to my stomach. I don't feel like doing any more work for these people anymore. She doesn't deserve that job, I do. Is it time for a job change? What hell am I going to do? With the economy the way it is I am so scared to leave A&M but damn they are always doing people so wrong. I feel like if I just bend over and take it then I am so weak and they are gonna run over me forever and if I feel that if I fight I am going to lose cause I know how they are. I know this upcoming busy season I am going to be swamped with SO much work and they are gonna dump all the load on me. Life is so unfair sometimes...It's times like these that I wish I had a parent I could talk to to guide me in the right direction cause I honestly don't know what to do. Ugh I don't want to watch this lady move to what was supposed to be my desk and have to work under her calculating her GPA's oh gosh please give me a break!!! Just one little break.Did I mention life sucks?

I am my own worst enemy

It's been along time since I posted so I have keep a list of everything I would have blogged about if I had time to sit and actually write...remember this blog is about me and the changes I want to make so bare with me.

So lately I've noticed a real problem with myself that I really hate and want to change. I am constantly have negative thoughts. I think negative on everything, myself most of all, and just life really. If something good happens to me I am happy but think about what bad is going to happen next. It's like I'm almost paranoid or something...I even dream of all my fears. Like when I have something planned I dream it's going to rain. If I buy myself a pair of jeans I think about a bill or I start to feel gulity because I know Jose or Nathan or the house really needs this or that and so I never buy myself anything. I mean that is a little extreme, right?

Also, another thing I have noticed. I have defently become a piss on. LOL Funny for those who know me I guess but it is really bothering me now and it used to not. I think it is because Jose is constantly reminding me that I need to stick up for myself when I talk to him about certain things and it pisses me off because I know it's true. At work I am constantly being overlooked. After almost 4 years of working here I am a little tired of it. I always get stuck finishing up the extra work at the end of a major project that everyone jas been working on. Which is usally finding and correcting everyone errors while the others are getting the satisfactory of a job well done. Yet they never ask for my opions in the meetings it's always just opions on what everyone else thinks. I know I am the youngest and others have been here longer than this building has been built but this feeling of being the "piss on" gets old quick. I can tell they see me as a child and I just hate it! I have to take some responsiblilty because I do present myself like that and do sometimes not feel like battling with someone to prove myself right most of the time to avoid an agurment I let them have their way.

Which brings me to my house. I love my family so much that I think I have disabled them that they can't do anything for themselves. I know on most blogs everyone talks wonderful things about their families but for the blogs sake lets talk real. Does your family run you ragged to the point where you are always mad at something? Most of you have little babies and I think that there is a huge difference in what our days hold for us. Not saying either one is easy all I'm saying is difference. Either way I think we stress ourselves out. It's not the kids or husband that do it, it's the fact that we think they need our help on everything that we disable them to think for themselves and they each need our help for everything. I looked very closely this weekend at my family. So the first thing I noticed this wkend was my errands that I do friday afternoon and saturday.

Friday afternoon- is grocery shopping most of the time
Mistakes- Kids can I go "yes" answer should have been "No"
reasons=they are old enough to stay home/I am on a budget and I hate telling them no when they want something = stress
One wants to go look around and I never can find her when its time to go
One wants to go to the toy isle which I do not have the $ for and I want to get in get out
Husband for some reason to me makes them more roudy/ and they all stick stuff in the basket

Correction= I'm going to go to the store by myself early saturday morning. They are not going to wake up that early. I am going to stop and get me a fresh brewed coffee and hunt for sales.  ME TIME
I am going to run the errands by myself. Husbands crazy road rage-vanished/kids hungry and hot-vanished-my sanity-still here

Chores= They can help
After buying groceries and paying bills with all this madness, they go inside and Nathan turns on the TV Peixin goes to her room and Me and hubs are left to bring in the groceries. Thanks kids for all the help!
I put the groceries up and most of the time began lunch.....I'm exhausted but now it is time to clean the house.
Why do I do this to myself. Can't the house stay dirty until after lunch...Can't I go take a nap how about the kids can't they clean while I take my nap?? I mean I run myself ragged I never get the chance to enjoy my family. how come I can't sit and watch that movie with Nathan or visit with Peixin and then get to cleaning. I get myself so mad cause nobody wants to help and then I don't even want to be around them.

I know this is life but I honestly did not know how bad it was until my little cigerette breaks were cut.

Emotionally all of us has our own little problem we are going through right now:

Peixin has fell in love with a boy from her hometown. He is a couple of years older than her and she seems to be head over heals for him. (He's her first boyfriend) So anyways this creates a problem for me because I am not telling her parents because Peixin is not allowed to have a boyfriend. Her family will actually introduce her to a boy they think fits her. As she says the families will most likely be family friends and they most have money and be well educated. So her current boyfriend is a little younger than me which is just freaking akward and comes from a poor family and from the pictures she has showed me smokes...After a visit from her aunt Peixin and me were very instructed that she needs to be doing her essay for college and studing for her SAT's but I can't do nothing with her since her head are in the clouds. This past wkend we went camping and all I heard from her was when are were leaving that she needed to chat with her boyfriend he will be waiting on her. While we were in the water or making a fire Peixin was by herself daydreaming about god knows what...oh lord! She is also not going home for the summer which I just found out not long ago. Peixin will be in boarding school attending SAT lessons.....so she won't be home having fun and visiting with her parents which is very sad to me but her parents want the best for her and are willing to sacrafice time with their daughter until after college. I dont think I would be able to do that but like I said I'm not her parent. So Miss Peixin is going through alot and I have to say I havent been very nice to her because she is gaga over some boy and not taking care of business like she is supposed to be doing. Anyways I have given her I think too much space than she knows what to do with so I had a talk with her this morning and I dont know if I got through to her cause she responded with everything I wanted to hear, so fake! But I'm sure I will be the devil trying to keep her and her lover apart for the remainder of the summer. =/

Nathan is growing like a weed and is as quick to every agrue with everything to see how far he can get. The lastest remarks are "But you promised". "Nana are you taking me to the water park." Me "I don't know Nathan I have alot to do today". Nathan "But you promised" I didn't promise anything but you couldn't tell him that cause it would end up with him in time out crying and me feeling gulity. Nathan is having a hard time with us all going to court. At one point he though we were trying to take him away from his brother and sister. Just a mess. Knowing that it was the best thing for Nathan I still have trouble being happy we won because of the problems we put on Nathan. It's so hard because I feel like we lost his trust for us in some ways. He calls me Natalie now and it breaks my heart even though I would never make him call me Nana its just that he has called me that every since he was little and it just grew on me. But he is confused and hurt right now so he can call me whatever he wants. When we pick him up on fridays it's he is so quite he doesnt even talk much to us and doesnt greet us with hugs and a happy face hes just quiet. But come saturday evening he is all hugs and for some reason started to kiss me good night after our prayers. It wants to be rocked like a baby and sit close during movie time. But then sunday comes and he gets anxious and starts pulling away...One the ride back he doesnt talk just asks when Jose is going to pick him up. I dont know what is going through his mind because he wont talk about it with me. He is not the same Nathan before this whole court thing. I guess my biggest fear is that when he grows up he will hate us and not want to come visit. Jose gets on to me because I always say yes to everything but I cant help it we dont see him enough to discipline him I think. But today there will be no more fighting ( yeah right) because everyone has finally agreed to the new order and signed the papers. So I hope that in time it will only be a just be the fact that his daddy was fighting just for him and he will see the love we have for him. On another note Nathan loves to dance, I think the best thing we ever got for Nathan was Just Dance for the Wii. He loves it!!! But here recently he has started this dirty dancing....and everything that we sees looks like a weiner....I think every little boy goes through this phase but it is such a weird one. At times it is funny but other times I seriously have to think about it and just get on to him cause I just don't like the idea of that whole thing. The other day I was eating a pickle and he said it looked like a weiner.....NOT COOL!! Now I will catch him with his arm around Peixin and its just's wow what can you do. Boys will be boys! But he is getting so big and that stuff is not cute anymore we really have to watch him now and make sure to instill whats right and wrong.

Right now I've been looking at this whole picture and I have had Peixin for almost a year and Nathan we get him reguarly almost for a year now. It just amazes me, I never thought I would be a step mom and a guardian. It just something that when your little you never think about. I have all these mommy feelings but yet I missed the whole baby part and went to age 7 and 18. Don't get me wrong I wanted all of this and I love it but now I can't help but think more and more of having my own baby. I am techincally helping to raise everyone else's. I can see the emotions of not being able to have one right now boil over into all this.With me I have mixed feelings about it all. I love it but then I hate it. It's hard to care for a child that is not techincally yours. I guess it's like you know how you would handle your own kids but you wouldn't feel comfortable doing it to someone elses kids. I'm a complete mommy in spurts and then I'm not and I want to be. Something is wrong as far as me having children and the thought of what it could be is scary to me. Because I don't have the money to actually go and figure all this out. My last testing was going to be  $520.00 and I had to rescheldule cause I couldn't afford it. And I still can't. Plus after this custody battle I just don't have it in me right now to hit the infertility world. But it weighs heavly on my mind all the time and I see how a baby can really just brighten up everything in my life right now. Bring joy to my family, Jose and Me could fill maybe more complete I guess. I think about it all the time and I now that when my time does come I will be more happier than any pregant women ever was.

I think life is so crazy at times and I get so wrapped up in my problems that I forget to capture the good moments in all of it. Sometimes I have to go to my little alone place and think about all these things cause I don't give myself time to think about it and fix it. And it's days like these where I just have so much to think about and get out. There is something new everyday another blessing another issue and I ignore them. This best place I find myself these days are when I'm alone and can think. I like to be alone and think I never did it and now I can't get enough of it. I am changing so much and am dealing with issues that I never did take time to do. Dwelling maybe, unhappy no. I always cry at the end of my blogs. But not because I'm sad it just a relief to have it out in the open.......

My Life in Between-1

So new things other than the issues I am trying to get over. Right now I have 13 days until my nectine patches come in. Which means no more smoking...and it's a bit akward to thing of myself as a non-smoker because I have done it for so long. There are two or three times in the day where I always set that personal time for a cigarette. One being after dinner when my dishes are gone and the kitchen is clean, I always go outside, sit in my little chair on the porch and smoke. I enjoy it...that's my thing, that's what I have done for years. The other one is early morning at work around 9:30am with a cup of coffee. This is oh, maybe my favorite, a new day, the morning air, co-workers not stressed out yet from the day. and like the afternoon smoke this has been routine for years. Now what am I going to do at those times? To be honest I don't even know if it's going to be fun anymore without a cigarette. What the hell am I going to do? It's a weird thought one I don't look forward to but need to figure out before I get those patches. Other than that, I am really exicted to see how much I change with out smoking so much. I hope I feel alot better, I hope my face clears up, get my keen sence of taste and smell back, and I guess just be clean. I'll be happy to tell my family I did this for them because I love them so much. On another note Jose and me have decided to get married through church, even though we are already married through court. It is kind of complicated because Jose is Catholic and I am Lutheran. He is also hispanic and I am italian which makes for a complicated wedding, the reason why we choose court to begin with. But with in the passed 4 months we are really talking about having our first child and I have always wanted to do everything right. Beginning with us being married through church before we have a child and our children being brought up in the same church we were married in. But like I said this brings up questions. 1st of if we choose lutheran than the children will not be baptised until they are old enough to know what they are doing,catholic on the other hand are baptized a couple of months in being born...get my drift, so it is a complicated issue. I have told Jose that we need to think about it and see what we are going to do. We have both decided that I am going to go and speak with my pastor on Sunday and he is going to call his church and see what what we come up with. Either way we choose one of us will need to begin classes in the church. Sounds like work right? But it is good I must say it's what I always wanted. To me it's important and the things I lacked growing up I want for my family. So pretty soon I will be planning my own wedding, but it won't be huge, very traditional and common. I still want to wear and wedding dress and get rings that are actual wedding bands. LOL I don't want to wait to long because I feel like I have waited so long to have kids and I want a baby soon. So I am thinking sometime before the end of this summer. I think I am going to have food and stuff at the church and then a little party somewhere afterwards. Nothing to big like I said but I want to have fun and make good memories. I guess a real wedding is in order. I think this feels so right at this moment cause Jose won his custody battle with Nathan my step son. It has been years and years of back and forth fighting. Anyone that has been through a divorce I'm sure you can vouch for the hardships the first years of seperation. For me being the "other women" I can't really say I know but I know what I have felt throughout the whole or deal and it's not something I wish on my worst enemy. But not really wanting to get into that, he won all rights and now rights for Nathan have been split 50/50. I feel like a large hole in our relationship has been filled and I feel like we are more whole than we ever been. I have more confidence that we are strong and can make it through the hard times together. And with that big problem finally behind us I see a reason to celebrate and begin our life the right way. I can't really figure out what is so good about blogging but from the moment I started I always end up finding a light at the end of the tunnel at the end of every post. I think in my head I am constantly worring about all the horrible things but when I blog it's out in the open and to me once it's out in the open I'm finished with it and I can move on. Here I can say everything that I feel and of course it's always easier to write what your feeling than trying to explain to someone what you are feeling. I love it I'm hooked!! I feel more organized and in control of my life than I have felt in so long. One day at a time, one day at a time.

A Visit With Dad

there is not much to tell, its hard. But even though I hate to say this, in all honesty, I believe it was eaiser visting him there than in rehab. His addiction had him SO wrapped up, I remember it was almost like looking at a dead man walking. Now I dont have to physically see it, watching a person you love killing themself slowly and seeing the changes in their apperance is horrible...because mentally I don't think he could quit. I think he wanted to with all his heart but it already had him so far gone he just couldn't and I think about how hopeless he must have felt something you hate SO much that you can't let go of. I know he reached out a couple of times. I have MHMR papers where he checked in but I think the thought of withdrawls or maybe in the middle of withdrawls he was scared and then relasped. I do it all the time with cigarettes. I quit have my necatine fit and I'm back to smoking can't handle life without them.It sucks I hate it, and thats not even close to what he was facing. Nathan always ask's when I'm gonna stop and I get so deffensive "Nathan, I'm a grown up I will quit when I say so", cause I feel guilty and I'm ashamed of what I am doing. I remember me crying and pleading with him to stop and getting SO mad and treating him like crap telling him I didn't want to see him till he got off of it. Man, how I wish I could take that back. I wish I would have just loved him through it. I would have had alot more hugs than I remember cause now thats what I want just a hug goodbye.I don't know why he did what he did. All I can think of is that he wanted to quit, get off that stuff and that was one way he could. Maybe in his mind he knew he couldn't quit. There was no note, they said he was clean when it happened. No drugs were found. He was just his normal self alone. I don't know what was going through his mind but I like to think he just wanted to go to heaven where god could help him. Sometimes life does did too hard and your stuck, can't seem to get out or get help. One thing comes and then the next and before you know it your back to square one. It's frustrating more so when your grown. When he wasn't on drugs he was wow, so funny, crazy he let me do anything I always had so much fun. He bulit me a treehouse a go-cart from the ground up. I never thought he was going anywhere...He was the best thing I ever had, his house was no drugs, he had money to do things, he always kept me busy outside we never watched TV, it was so different from my moms, it was the other fun/safe place, a break from my mom. My mom was so busy with my sisters and he took his time to teach me things. I don't remember when things started to change. But my mother never kept him from me. She always let me see my dad even when she really knew what he was doing and really didn't want me too, she still did and I love her for that. I miss him but I don't know if I would have been able to handle lossing him now if he was still doing the same thing. It would probably break my heart in two if I would've bonded with him up until now and then him doing what he did. I don't want my kids to have to worry about anything about losing a parent to drugs, smoke or alcohol. Anything that has to do with any of that crap I'm done! I HATE ALL OF IT! It pisses me off that these damn cigerrates have such a control over my life and it's just taking my own life.  Since I work at A&M they have a 6 months free patch or gum I can get to help me to quit smoking I just have to call. So I'm gonna quit and get started on ending addictions. I'm doing this for my father, for my unborn kids so they will never see a parents addictions. 

Dad,

I'm not mad at you anymore, I am letting go. I hope you are in heaven and have found your peace that had lost you here on earth. I am so happy that I had the time with you that I did and I do not blame you for the time we didn't. RIP and may god have mercy on your soul! Amen

-natalie

A Broken Girl's Bridge

I'm so lost. Everything has just been such a rollercoaster ride and I cant figure it out. What is wrong with me do I have a curse on my life or something? I had this wonderful plan everything was fine and then all of a sudden this huge cloud came and dished me so many heartbreaks, twist and turns all at once and it completely threw me off. How could I let my cicumstances make me this way, even determine my life like this? I was stronger than this I was confident in who I was. Now everything is completely blah I dont even want to be around people beacuse I always feel like I'm on a completely different level. I'm looking for different things to make me feel whole again but they are not it. In my marriage I can't help but feel not interesting to him anymore, lets face it, the girl from the trailor park, the one you fought with for wanting to go out to the club all the time, the one you used to have fun with, the one who kept you on your toes, the crazy wild one that did so many immature things is gone. I guess now that I have settled down and cant get up and run away or go party to forget it all,its now all hitting me at once. Pains and wounds from my childhood that I have tried to forget. Now that I am older and have had the chance to be step mom, a guardian, I am relizing what happened was wrong. I noticed the other day that before a sad movie, a song, a majestic moment that should have melted my heart never phased me long ago I was cold and numb to feelings, there was no remorse for anyone or anything I was hardcore, tuff, or so I thought. Nobody knew my thoughts I drowded myself with drugs, finding love in all the wrong places, fighting w/ big cats to see just how tuff I really was. And all that time it was the anger inside of me, everyone of those people where from broken homes, thats where I thought I belonged. Now seeing that sad movie or hearing that sad song makes me cry SO much. I'm hurt big time, I have the pain now its real I can feel it now. Its alive inside of me it doesnt let me forget.If you are thinking "natalie you need to build yourself a bridge and get over it" I would say to you but this wood is broken, rusted, worn I cant build a stable bridge with this wood, where can I find the new wood to start over and rebuild this old bridge? Do I start by pulling up a tree from its roots, do I pay for the wood thats already  polished and ready for use. This is my true self there is no other journal I write in. I am going to take myself back to all the places and hurtfull memories to find away to get over these troubles, in hopes that one day I will be free as a bird. The first stop is Bryan Cemetary where my father lives. The man who I adored SO much then hung himself for reasons I will never know....

A Introduction Post

I think all women have secrets about us that even people we live with dont know about. Its the deep feelings that live way down buried deep inside you, the ones you cant tell. The embarrasing ones that eat at you, the ones that make you cry when your alone, the ones that you and I are holding on to....Yes, those ones. We try and find ways to keep us busy to forget them, seek revenge maybe, pile on new goals, buy some new clothes or cut our hair to hide from it. But soon or a later the past comes back to haunt you and you have to face the problems you thought were long gone.