I am my own worst enemy

It's been along time since I posted so I have keep a list of everything I would have blogged about if I had time to sit and actually write...remember this blog is about me and the changes I want to make so bare with me.

So lately I've noticed a real problem with myself that I really hate and want to change. I am constantly have negative thoughts. I think negative on everything, myself most of all, and just life really. If something good happens to me I am happy but think about what bad is going to happen next. It's like I'm almost paranoid or something...I even dream of all my fears. Like when I have something planned I dream it's going to rain. If I buy myself a pair of jeans I think about a bill or I start to feel gulity because I know Jose or Nathan or the house really needs this or that and so I never buy myself anything. I mean that is a little extreme, right?

Also, another thing I have noticed. I have defently become a piss on. LOL Funny for those who know me I guess but it is really bothering me now and it used to not. I think it is because Jose is constantly reminding me that I need to stick up for myself when I talk to him about certain things and it pisses me off because I know it's true. At work I am constantly being overlooked. After almost 4 years of working here I am a little tired of it. I always get stuck finishing up the extra work at the end of a major project that everyone jas been working on. Which is usally finding and correcting everyone errors while the others are getting the satisfactory of a job well done. Yet they never ask for my opions in the meetings it's always just opions on what everyone else thinks. I know I am the youngest and others have been here longer than this building has been built but this feeling of being the "piss on" gets old quick. I can tell they see me as a child and I just hate it! I have to take some responsiblilty because I do present myself like that and do sometimes not feel like battling with someone to prove myself right most of the time to avoid an agurment I let them have their way.

Which brings me to my house. I love my family so much that I think I have disabled them that they can't do anything for themselves. I know on most blogs everyone talks wonderful things about their families but for the blogs sake lets talk real. Does your family run you ragged to the point where you are always mad at something? Most of you have little babies and I think that there is a huge difference in what our days hold for us. Not saying either one is easy all I'm saying is difference. Either way I think we stress ourselves out. It's not the kids or husband that do it, it's the fact that we think they need our help on everything that we disable them to think for themselves and they each need our help for everything. I looked very closely this weekend at my family. So the first thing I noticed this wkend was my errands that I do friday afternoon and saturday.

Friday afternoon- is grocery shopping most of the time
Mistakes- Kids can I go "yes" answer should have been "No"
reasons=they are old enough to stay home/I am on a budget and I hate telling them no when they want something = stress
One wants to go look around and I never can find her when its time to go
One wants to go to the toy isle which I do not have the $ for and I want to get in get out
Husband for some reason to me makes them more roudy/ and they all stick stuff in the basket

Correction= I'm going to go to the store by myself early saturday morning. They are not going to wake up that early. I am going to stop and get me a fresh brewed coffee and hunt for sales.  ME TIME
I am going to run the errands by myself. Husbands crazy road rage-vanished/kids hungry and hot-vanished-my sanity-still here

Chores= They can help
After buying groceries and paying bills with all this madness, they go inside and Nathan turns on the TV Peixin goes to her room and Me and hubs are left to bring in the groceries. Thanks kids for all the help!
I put the groceries up and most of the time began lunch.....I'm exhausted but now it is time to clean the house.
Why do I do this to myself. Can't the house stay dirty until after lunch...Can't I go take a nap how about the kids can't they clean while I take my nap?? I mean I run myself ragged I never get the chance to enjoy my family. how come I can't sit and watch that movie with Nathan or visit with Peixin and then get to cleaning. I get myself so mad cause nobody wants to help and then I don't even want to be around them.

I know this is life but I honestly did not know how bad it was until my little cigerette breaks were cut.

Emotionally all of us has our own little problem we are going through right now:

Peixin has fell in love with a boy from her hometown. He is a couple of years older than her and she seems to be head over heals for him. (He's her first boyfriend) So anyways this creates a problem for me because I am not telling her parents because Peixin is not allowed to have a boyfriend. Her family will actually introduce her to a boy they think fits her. As she says the families will most likely be family friends and they most have money and be well educated. So her current boyfriend is a little younger than me which is just freaking akward and comes from a poor family and from the pictures she has showed me smokes...After a visit from her aunt Peixin and me were very instructed that she needs to be doing her essay for college and studing for her SAT's but I can't do nothing with her since her head are in the clouds. This past wkend we went camping and all I heard from her was when are were leaving that she needed to chat with her boyfriend he will be waiting on her. While we were in the water or making a fire Peixin was by herself daydreaming about god knows what...oh lord! She is also not going home for the summer which I just found out not long ago. Peixin will be in boarding school attending SAT lessons.....so she won't be home having fun and visiting with her parents which is very sad to me but her parents want the best for her and are willing to sacrafice time with their daughter until after college. I dont think I would be able to do that but like I said I'm not her parent. So Miss Peixin is going through alot and I have to say I havent been very nice to her because she is gaga over some boy and not taking care of business like she is supposed to be doing. Anyways I have given her I think too much space than she knows what to do with so I had a talk with her this morning and I dont know if I got through to her cause she responded with everything I wanted to hear, so fake! But I'm sure I will be the devil trying to keep her and her lover apart for the remainder of the summer. =/

Nathan is growing like a weed and is as quick to every agrue with everything to see how far he can get. The lastest remarks are "But you promised". "Nana are you taking me to the water park." Me "I don't know Nathan I have alot to do today". Nathan "But you promised" I didn't promise anything but you couldn't tell him that cause it would end up with him in time out crying and me feeling gulity. Nathan is having a hard time with us all going to court. At one point he though we were trying to take him away from his brother and sister. Just a mess. Knowing that it was the best thing for Nathan I still have trouble being happy we won because of the problems we put on Nathan. It's so hard because I feel like we lost his trust for us in some ways. He calls me Natalie now and it breaks my heart even though I would never make him call me Nana its just that he has called me that every since he was little and it just grew on me. But he is confused and hurt right now so he can call me whatever he wants. When we pick him up on fridays it's he is so quite he doesnt even talk much to us and doesnt greet us with hugs and a happy face hes just quiet. But come saturday evening he is all hugs and for some reason started to kiss me good night after our prayers. It wants to be rocked like a baby and sit close during movie time. But then sunday comes and he gets anxious and starts pulling away...One the ride back he doesnt talk just asks when Jose is going to pick him up. I dont know what is going through his mind because he wont talk about it with me. He is not the same Nathan before this whole court thing. I guess my biggest fear is that when he grows up he will hate us and not want to come visit. Jose gets on to me because I always say yes to everything but I cant help it we dont see him enough to discipline him I think. But today there will be no more fighting ( yeah right) because everyone has finally agreed to the new order and signed the papers. So I hope that in time it will only be a just be the fact that his daddy was fighting just for him and he will see the love we have for him. On another note Nathan loves to dance, I think the best thing we ever got for Nathan was Just Dance for the Wii. He loves it!!! But here recently he has started this dirty dancing....and everything that we sees looks like a weiner....I think every little boy goes through this phase but it is such a weird one. At times it is funny but other times I seriously have to think about it and just get on to him cause I just don't like the idea of that whole thing. The other day I was eating a pickle and he said it looked like a weiner.....NOT COOL!! Now I will catch him with his arm around Peixin and its just's wow what can you do. Boys will be boys! But he is getting so big and that stuff is not cute anymore we really have to watch him now and make sure to instill whats right and wrong.

Right now I've been looking at this whole picture and I have had Peixin for almost a year and Nathan we get him reguarly almost for a year now. It just amazes me, I never thought I would be a step mom and a guardian. It just something that when your little you never think about. I have all these mommy feelings but yet I missed the whole baby part and went to age 7 and 18. Don't get me wrong I wanted all of this and I love it but now I can't help but think more and more of having my own baby. I am techincally helping to raise everyone else's. I can see the emotions of not being able to have one right now boil over into all this.With me I have mixed feelings about it all. I love it but then I hate it. It's hard to care for a child that is not techincally yours. I guess it's like you know how you would handle your own kids but you wouldn't feel comfortable doing it to someone elses kids. I'm a complete mommy in spurts and then I'm not and I want to be. Something is wrong as far as me having children and the thought of what it could be is scary to me. Because I don't have the money to actually go and figure all this out. My last testing was going to be  $520.00 and I had to rescheldule cause I couldn't afford it. And I still can't. Plus after this custody battle I just don't have it in me right now to hit the infertility world. But it weighs heavly on my mind all the time and I see how a baby can really just brighten up everything in my life right now. Bring joy to my family, Jose and Me could fill maybe more complete I guess. I think about it all the time and I now that when my time does come I will be more happier than any pregant women ever was.

I think life is so crazy at times and I get so wrapped up in my problems that I forget to capture the good moments in all of it. Sometimes I have to go to my little alone place and think about all these things cause I don't give myself time to think about it and fix it. And it's days like these where I just have so much to think about and get out. There is something new everyday another blessing another issue and I ignore them. This best place I find myself these days are when I'm alone and can think. I like to be alone and think I never did it and now I can't get enough of it. I am changing so much and am dealing with issues that I never did take time to do. Dwelling maybe, unhappy no. I always cry at the end of my blogs. But not because I'm sad it just a relief to have it out in the open.......