My Life in Between-1

So new things other than the issues I am trying to get over. Right now I have 13 days until my nectine patches come in. Which means no more smoking...and it's a bit akward to thing of myself as a non-smoker because I have done it for so long. There are two or three times in the day where I always set that personal time for a cigarette. One being after dinner when my dishes are gone and the kitchen is clean, I always go outside, sit in my little chair on the porch and smoke. I enjoy it...that's my thing, that's what I have done for years. The other one is early morning at work around 9:30am with a cup of coffee. This is oh, maybe my favorite, a new day, the morning air, co-workers not stressed out yet from the day. and like the afternoon smoke this has been routine for years. Now what am I going to do at those times? To be honest I don't even know if it's going to be fun anymore without a cigarette. What the hell am I going to do? It's a weird thought one I don't look forward to but need to figure out before I get those patches. Other than that, I am really exicted to see how much I change with out smoking so much. I hope I feel alot better, I hope my face clears up, get my keen sence of taste and smell back, and I guess just be clean. I'll be happy to tell my family I did this for them because I love them so much. On another note Jose and me have decided to get married through church, even though we are already married through court. It is kind of complicated because Jose is Catholic and I am Lutheran. He is also hispanic and I am italian which makes for a complicated wedding, the reason why we choose court to begin with. But with in the passed 4 months we are really talking about having our first child and I have always wanted to do everything right. Beginning with us being married through church before we have a child and our children being brought up in the same church we were married in. But like I said this brings up questions. 1st of if we choose lutheran than the children will not be baptised until they are old enough to know what they are doing,catholic on the other hand are baptized a couple of months in being born...get my drift, so it is a complicated issue. I have told Jose that we need to think about it and see what we are going to do. We have both decided that I am going to go and speak with my pastor on Sunday and he is going to call his church and see what what we come up with. Either way we choose one of us will need to begin classes in the church. Sounds like work right? But it is good I must say it's what I always wanted. To me it's important and the things I lacked growing up I want for my family. So pretty soon I will be planning my own wedding, but it won't be huge, very traditional and common. I still want to wear and wedding dress and get rings that are actual wedding bands. LOL I don't want to wait to long because I feel like I have waited so long to have kids and I want a baby soon. So I am thinking sometime before the end of this summer. I think I am going to have food and stuff at the church and then a little party somewhere afterwards. Nothing to big like I said but I want to have fun and make good memories. I guess a real wedding is in order. I think this feels so right at this moment cause Jose won his custody battle with Nathan my step son. It has been years and years of back and forth fighting. Anyone that has been through a divorce I'm sure you can vouch for the hardships the first years of seperation. For me being the "other women" I can't really say I know but I know what I have felt throughout the whole or deal and it's not something I wish on my worst enemy. But not really wanting to get into that, he won all rights and now rights for Nathan have been split 50/50. I feel like a large hole in our relationship has been filled and I feel like we are more whole than we ever been. I have more confidence that we are strong and can make it through the hard times together. And with that big problem finally behind us I see a reason to celebrate and begin our life the right way. I can't really figure out what is so good about blogging but from the moment I started I always end up finding a light at the end of the tunnel at the end of every post. I think in my head I am constantly worring about all the horrible things but when I blog it's out in the open and to me once it's out in the open I'm finished with it and I can move on. Here I can say everything that I feel and of course it's always easier to write what your feeling than trying to explain to someone what you are feeling. I love it I'm hooked!! I feel more organized and in control of my life than I have felt in so long. One day at a time, one day at a time.