A Visit With Dad

there is not much to tell, its hard. But even though I hate to say this, in all honesty, I believe it was eaiser visting him there than in rehab. His addiction had him SO wrapped up, I remember it was almost like looking at a dead man walking. Now I dont have to physically see it, watching a person you love killing themself slowly and seeing the changes in their apperance is horrible...because mentally I don't think he could quit. I think he wanted to with all his heart but it already had him so far gone he just couldn't and I think about how hopeless he must have felt something you hate SO much that you can't let go of. I know he reached out a couple of times. I have MHMR papers where he checked in but I think the thought of withdrawls or maybe in the middle of withdrawls he was scared and then relasped. I do it all the time with cigarettes. I quit have my necatine fit and I'm back to smoking can't handle life without them.It sucks I hate it, and thats not even close to what he was facing. Nathan always ask's when I'm gonna stop and I get so deffensive "Nathan, I'm a grown up I will quit when I say so", cause I feel guilty and I'm ashamed of what I am doing. I remember me crying and pleading with him to stop and getting SO mad and treating him like crap telling him I didn't want to see him till he got off of it. Man, how I wish I could take that back. I wish I would have just loved him through it. I would have had alot more hugs than I remember cause now thats what I want just a hug goodbye.I don't know why he did what he did. All I can think of is that he wanted to quit, get off that stuff and that was one way he could. Maybe in his mind he knew he couldn't quit. There was no note, they said he was clean when it happened. No drugs were found. He was just his normal self alone. I don't know what was going through his mind but I like to think he just wanted to go to heaven where god could help him. Sometimes life does did too hard and your stuck, can't seem to get out or get help. One thing comes and then the next and before you know it your back to square one. It's frustrating more so when your grown. When he wasn't on drugs he was wow, so funny, crazy he let me do anything I always had so much fun. He bulit me a treehouse a go-cart from the ground up. I never thought he was going anywhere...He was the best thing I ever had, his house was no drugs, he had money to do things, he always kept me busy outside we never watched TV, it was so different from my moms, it was the other fun/safe place, a break from my mom. My mom was so busy with my sisters and he took his time to teach me things. I don't remember when things started to change. But my mother never kept him from me. She always let me see my dad even when she really knew what he was doing and really didn't want me too, she still did and I love her for that. I miss him but I don't know if I would have been able to handle lossing him now if he was still doing the same thing. It would probably break my heart in two if I would've bonded with him up until now and then him doing what he did. I don't want my kids to have to worry about anything about losing a parent to drugs, smoke or alcohol. Anything that has to do with any of that crap I'm done! I HATE ALL OF IT! It pisses me off that these damn cigerrates have such a control over my life and it's just taking my own life.  Since I work at A&M they have a 6 months free patch or gum I can get to help me to quit smoking I just have to call. So I'm gonna quit and get started on ending addictions. I'm doing this for my father, for my unborn kids so they will never see a parents addictions. 

Dad,

I'm not mad at you anymore, I am letting go. I hope you are in heaven and have found your peace that had lost you here on earth. I am so happy that I had the time with you that I did and I do not blame you for the time we didn't. RIP and may god have mercy on your soul! Amen

-natalie