A Broken Girl's Bridge

I'm so lost. Everything has just been such a rollercoaster ride and I cant figure it out. What is wrong with me do I have a curse on my life or something? I had this wonderful plan everything was fine and then all of a sudden this huge cloud came and dished me so many heartbreaks, twist and turns all at once and it completely threw me off. How could I let my cicumstances make me this way, even determine my life like this? I was stronger than this I was confident in who I was. Now everything is completely blah I dont even want to be around people beacuse I always feel like I'm on a completely different level. I'm looking for different things to make me feel whole again but they are not it. In my marriage I can't help but feel not interesting to him anymore, lets face it, the girl from the trailor park, the one you fought with for wanting to go out to the club all the time, the one you used to have fun with, the one who kept you on your toes, the crazy wild one that did so many immature things is gone. I guess now that I have settled down and cant get up and run away or go party to forget it all,its now all hitting me at once. Pains and wounds from my childhood that I have tried to forget. Now that I am older and have had the chance to be step mom, a guardian, I am relizing what happened was wrong. I noticed the other day that before a sad movie, a song, a majestic moment that should have melted my heart never phased me long ago I was cold and numb to feelings, there was no remorse for anyone or anything I was hardcore, tuff, or so I thought. Nobody knew my thoughts I drowded myself with drugs, finding love in all the wrong places, fighting w/ big cats to see just how tuff I really was. And all that time it was the anger inside of me, everyone of those people where from broken homes, thats where I thought I belonged. Now seeing that sad movie or hearing that sad song makes me cry SO much. I'm hurt big time, I have the pain now its real I can feel it now. Its alive inside of me it doesnt let me forget.If you are thinking "natalie you need to build yourself a bridge and get over it" I would say to you but this wood is broken, rusted, worn I cant build a stable bridge with this wood, where can I find the new wood to start over and rebuild this old bridge? Do I start by pulling up a tree from its roots, do I pay for the wood thats already  polished and ready for use. This is my true self there is no other journal I write in. I am going to take myself back to all the places and hurtfull memories to find away to get over these troubles, in hopes that one day I will be free as a bird. The first stop is Bryan Cemetary where my father lives. The man who I adored SO much then hung himself for reasons I will never know....