My Life in Between-1

So new things other than the issues I am trying to get over. Right now I have 13 days until my nectine patches come in. Which means no more smoking...and it's a bit akward to thing of myself as a non-smoker because I have done it for so long. There are two or three times in the day where I always set that personal time for a cigarette. One being after dinner when my dishes are gone and the kitchen is clean, I always go outside, sit in my little chair on the porch and smoke. I enjoy it...that's my thing, that's what I have done for years. The other one is early morning at work around 9:30am with a cup of coffee. This is oh, maybe my favorite, a new day, the morning air, co-workers not stressed out yet from the day. and like the afternoon smoke this has been routine for years. Now what am I going to do at those times? To be honest I don't even know if it's going to be fun anymore without a cigarette. What the hell am I going to do? It's a weird thought one I don't look forward to but need to figure out before I get those patches. Other than that, I am really exicted to see how much I change with out smoking so much. I hope I feel alot better, I hope my face clears up, get my keen sence of taste and smell back, and I guess just be clean. I'll be happy to tell my family I did this for them because I love them so much. On another note Jose and me have decided to get married through church, even though we are already married through court. It is kind of complicated because Jose is Catholic and I am Lutheran. He is also hispanic and I am italian which makes for a complicated wedding, the reason why we choose court to begin with. But with in the passed 4 months we are really talking about having our first child and I have always wanted to do everything right. Beginning with us being married through church before we have a child and our children being brought up in the same church we were married in. But like I said this brings up questions. 1st of if we choose lutheran than the children will not be baptised until they are old enough to know what they are doing,catholic on the other hand are baptized a couple of months in being born...get my drift, so it is a complicated issue. I have told Jose that we need to think about it and see what we are going to do. We have both decided that I am going to go and speak with my pastor on Sunday and he is going to call his church and see what what we come up with. Either way we choose one of us will need to begin classes in the church. Sounds like work right? But it is good I must say it's what I always wanted. To me it's important and the things I lacked growing up I want for my family. So pretty soon I will be planning my own wedding, but it won't be huge, very traditional and common. I still want to wear and wedding dress and get rings that are actual wedding bands. LOL I don't want to wait to long because I feel like I have waited so long to have kids and I want a baby soon. So I am thinking sometime before the end of this summer. I think I am going to have food and stuff at the church and then a little party somewhere afterwards. Nothing to big like I said but I want to have fun and make good memories. I guess a real wedding is in order. I think this feels so right at this moment cause Jose won his custody battle with Nathan my step son. It has been years and years of back and forth fighting. Anyone that has been through a divorce I'm sure you can vouch for the hardships the first years of seperation. For me being the "other women" I can't really say I know but I know what I have felt throughout the whole or deal and it's not something I wish on my worst enemy. But not really wanting to get into that, he won all rights and now rights for Nathan have been split 50/50. I feel like a large hole in our relationship has been filled and I feel like we are more whole than we ever been. I have more confidence that we are strong and can make it through the hard times together. And with that big problem finally behind us I see a reason to celebrate and begin our life the right way. I can't really figure out what is so good about blogging but from the moment I started I always end up finding a light at the end of the tunnel at the end of every post. I think in my head I am constantly worring about all the horrible things but when I blog it's out in the open and to me once it's out in the open I'm finished with it and I can move on. Here I can say everything that I feel and of course it's always easier to write what your feeling than trying to explain to someone what you are feeling. I love it I'm hooked!! I feel more organized and in control of my life than I have felt in so long. One day at a time, one day at a time.

A Visit With Dad

there is not much to tell, its hard. But even though I hate to say this, in all honesty, I believe it was eaiser visting him there than in rehab. His addiction had him SO wrapped up, I remember it was almost like looking at a dead man walking. Now I dont have to physically see it, watching a person you love killing themself slowly and seeing the changes in their apperance is horrible...because mentally I don't think he could quit. I think he wanted to with all his heart but it already had him so far gone he just couldn't and I think about how hopeless he must have felt something you hate SO much that you can't let go of. I know he reached out a couple of times. I have MHMR papers where he checked in but I think the thought of withdrawls or maybe in the middle of withdrawls he was scared and then relasped. I do it all the time with cigarettes. I quit have my necatine fit and I'm back to smoking can't handle life without them.It sucks I hate it, and thats not even close to what he was facing. Nathan always ask's when I'm gonna stop and I get so deffensive "Nathan, I'm a grown up I will quit when I say so", cause I feel guilty and I'm ashamed of what I am doing. I remember me crying and pleading with him to stop and getting SO mad and treating him like crap telling him I didn't want to see him till he got off of it. Man, how I wish I could take that back. I wish I would have just loved him through it. I would have had alot more hugs than I remember cause now thats what I want just a hug goodbye.I don't know why he did what he did. All I can think of is that he wanted to quit, get off that stuff and that was one way he could. Maybe in his mind he knew he couldn't quit. There was no note, they said he was clean when it happened. No drugs were found. He was just his normal self alone. I don't know what was going through his mind but I like to think he just wanted to go to heaven where god could help him. Sometimes life does did too hard and your stuck, can't seem to get out or get help. One thing comes and then the next and before you know it your back to square one. It's frustrating more so when your grown. When he wasn't on drugs he was wow, so funny, crazy he let me do anything I always had so much fun. He bulit me a treehouse a go-cart from the ground up. I never thought he was going anywhere...He was the best thing I ever had, his house was no drugs, he had money to do things, he always kept me busy outside we never watched TV, it was so different from my moms, it was the other fun/safe place, a break from my mom. My mom was so busy with my sisters and he took his time to teach me things. I don't remember when things started to change. But my mother never kept him from me. She always let me see my dad even when she really knew what he was doing and really didn't want me too, she still did and I love her for that. I miss him but I don't know if I would have been able to handle lossing him now if he was still doing the same thing. It would probably break my heart in two if I would've bonded with him up until now and then him doing what he did. I don't want my kids to have to worry about anything about losing a parent to drugs, smoke or alcohol. Anything that has to do with any of that crap I'm done! I HATE ALL OF IT! It pisses me off that these damn cigerrates have such a control over my life and it's just taking my own life.  Since I work at A&M they have a 6 months free patch or gum I can get to help me to quit smoking I just have to call. So I'm gonna quit and get started on ending addictions. I'm doing this for my father, for my unborn kids so they will never see a parents addictions. 

Dad,

I'm not mad at you anymore, I am letting go. I hope you are in heaven and have found your peace that had lost you here on earth. I am so happy that I had the time with you that I did and I do not blame you for the time we didn't. RIP and may god have mercy on your soul! Amen

-natalie

A Broken Girl's Bridge

I'm so lost. Everything has just been such a rollercoaster ride and I cant figure it out. What is wrong with me do I have a curse on my life or something? I had this wonderful plan everything was fine and then all of a sudden this huge cloud came and dished me so many heartbreaks, twist and turns all at once and it completely threw me off. How could I let my cicumstances make me this way, even determine my life like this? I was stronger than this I was confident in who I was. Now everything is completely blah I dont even want to be around people beacuse I always feel like I'm on a completely different level. I'm looking for different things to make me feel whole again but they are not it. In my marriage I can't help but feel not interesting to him anymore, lets face it, the girl from the trailor park, the one you fought with for wanting to go out to the club all the time, the one you used to have fun with, the one who kept you on your toes, the crazy wild one that did so many immature things is gone. I guess now that I have settled down and cant get up and run away or go party to forget it all,its now all hitting me at once. Pains and wounds from my childhood that I have tried to forget. Now that I am older and have had the chance to be step mom, a guardian, I am relizing what happened was wrong. I noticed the other day that before a sad movie, a song, a majestic moment that should have melted my heart never phased me long ago I was cold and numb to feelings, there was no remorse for anyone or anything I was hardcore, tuff, or so I thought. Nobody knew my thoughts I drowded myself with drugs, finding love in all the wrong places, fighting w/ big cats to see just how tuff I really was. And all that time it was the anger inside of me, everyone of those people where from broken homes, thats where I thought I belonged. Now seeing that sad movie or hearing that sad song makes me cry SO much. I'm hurt big time, I have the pain now its real I can feel it now. Its alive inside of me it doesnt let me forget.If you are thinking "natalie you need to build yourself a bridge and get over it" I would say to you but this wood is broken, rusted, worn I cant build a stable bridge with this wood, where can I find the new wood to start over and rebuild this old bridge? Do I start by pulling up a tree from its roots, do I pay for the wood thats already  polished and ready for use. This is my true self there is no other journal I write in. I am going to take myself back to all the places and hurtfull memories to find away to get over these troubles, in hopes that one day I will be free as a bird. The first stop is Bryan Cemetary where my father lives. The man who I adored SO much then hung himself for reasons I will never know....

A Introduction Post

I think all women have secrets about us that even people we live with dont know about. Its the deep feelings that live way down buried deep inside you, the ones you cant tell. The embarrasing ones that eat at you, the ones that make you cry when your alone, the ones that you and I are holding on to....Yes, those ones. We try and find ways to keep us busy to forget them, seek revenge maybe, pile on new goals, buy some new clothes or cut our hair to hide from it. But soon or a later the past comes back to haunt you and you have to face the problems you thought were long gone.