Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Monday, May 16, 2011
100 days of gratitude
So since I am the most negative person on the face of the earth I've decided to copy a cheerful blogger and post one thing I am thankful for everyday for 100 days. Truth be told I use my blog to bitch and it's ugly...
First things first it was my birthday this weekend I completely did not even want to get dressed up to go out and eat or nothing. So we ordered pizza and played the Wii friday night. All the ladies at work got me a cheese cake and I had some left over to enjoy with the family after our pizza. Nathan and Jose lit a candle and pulled the mattress to the living room for a sleep over them cause yall know I turned 4! LOL anyways it was just what the doc ordered cause I was so relaxed and chilled. And I was thankful to have had such a chill birthday cause lord knows I needed it....after that week.
Jose starts a new Job today! I couldnt be more thankful than that!! This job has 45 hours a wk plus overtime and monthly bonuses. Medical and all the works. SO I AM HAPPY!!!!
We signed a new lease on saturday at a local apt complex in Bryan. I am really going to miss my duplex so much I want to cry. I loved my yard and the location. The neighborhood was so quite and nice. With the trouble I was having with our current landlord I was so so THANKFUL to have found our new landlord. She is helping us out so much on the move in dates so I won't need to put my stuff in storage and then move again. I couldn't have been luckier to have found her at that time cause I was so stressed out. I hate moving it's so MUCH trouble and I move every year. ugh I can't wait to stop renting that will be the day!
I am also very thankful that I am now 3 days late....I kinda felt different with all the panic attacks I've had and there was actually 2 days awhile back where I slept from the time I got home from work until I got up and then again the next day...I was so tired and I thought it was because of my patches but now I am thinking maybe I could be pregant. The thought could not make me more happier but I also know that I have been so dissappointed so many times before so I'm scared to even say it but that's what I am thinking. Like I said we want it to be true SO MUCH so I hope it is right. I took two pregancy test this wkend and both came out with some error?? Isn't that weird it kinda scared me cause that's not an answer maybe it's too soon to tell so we are going to wait until the 18th if nothing I think there is a really good chance that I am. I guess just wait and see the story of my life...
Peixin is leaving for for the summer on the 26th, which I will say has been a day that I am ready for, in the nicest way possible. And I can say this because I feel she is my daughter. But lordy lordy she has teasted my sanity. This summer I will def. enjoy it to the last drop before she comes back. Although the house will not be the same and I will miss her so much...I truely can say I love her so much, we diffently have had a time getting to know each other. She is such good company and puts a certain joy in my heart that nobody else could. I'll miss our ride to school in the mornings and in the afternoons when we weren't racing to not be late lol! I won't miss soy sauce and your dirty room. I will miss saturday morning cartoonsoh my gosh Im cryin lol
I hope your ugly boyfriend drops dead so I won't need to worry about him next year. It sounds like I am writting her a letter. wow okay I need to do that before I embarrasses everyone at the airport that day. I wish it wasn't so many things going on this year cause I had so many stuff planned for us to do together but it was so weird how Peixin has fit into our family....I don't think I will be able to do this with another child again. She was a great addition.
Nathan will be with us the whole month of July. So I need to find something for him to do quick. I can't keep in the house or send him with Joses Mom I need to find some place, camp, sports or something to keep him busy. because that boy will drive me up a wall if he don't have ntohing to do. He reminds me of my dad hyper. He can not sit still and I mean ITS bad at one point this year he bit his nails to the bone and it's because to have something to do. When he is sleeping he grinds his teeth or moves his foot can't sit still not even in his sleep. So I want to keep him active. Everyone should see how cute he is, he is now wearing glasses. He's a doll. A hyder doll lol
First things first it was my birthday this weekend I completely did not even want to get dressed up to go out and eat or nothing. So we ordered pizza and played the Wii friday night. All the ladies at work got me a cheese cake and I had some left over to enjoy with the family after our pizza. Nathan and Jose lit a candle and pulled the mattress to the living room for a sleep over them cause yall know I turned 4! LOL anyways it was just what the doc ordered cause I was so relaxed and chilled. And I was thankful to have had such a chill birthday cause lord knows I needed it....after that week.
Jose starts a new Job today! I couldnt be more thankful than that!! This job has 45 hours a wk plus overtime and monthly bonuses. Medical and all the works. SO I AM HAPPY!!!!
We signed a new lease on saturday at a local apt complex in Bryan. I am really going to miss my duplex so much I want to cry. I loved my yard and the location. The neighborhood was so quite and nice. With the trouble I was having with our current landlord I was so so THANKFUL to have found our new landlord. She is helping us out so much on the move in dates so I won't need to put my stuff in storage and then move again. I couldn't have been luckier to have found her at that time cause I was so stressed out. I hate moving it's so MUCH trouble and I move every year. ugh I can't wait to stop renting that will be the day!
I am also very thankful that I am now 3 days late....I kinda felt different with all the panic attacks I've had and there was actually 2 days awhile back where I slept from the time I got home from work until I got up and then again the next day...I was so tired and I thought it was because of my patches but now I am thinking maybe I could be pregant. The thought could not make me more happier but I also know that I have been so dissappointed so many times before so I'm scared to even say it but that's what I am thinking. Like I said we want it to be true SO MUCH so I hope it is right. I took two pregancy test this wkend and both came out with some error?? Isn't that weird it kinda scared me cause that's not an answer maybe it's too soon to tell so we are going to wait until the 18th if nothing I think there is a really good chance that I am. I guess just wait and see the story of my life...
Peixin is leaving for for the summer on the 26th, which I will say has been a day that I am ready for, in the nicest way possible. And I can say this because I feel she is my daughter. But lordy lordy she has teasted my sanity. This summer I will def. enjoy it to the last drop before she comes back. Although the house will not be the same and I will miss her so much...I truely can say I love her so much, we diffently have had a time getting to know each other. She is such good company and puts a certain joy in my heart that nobody else could. I'll miss our ride to school in the mornings and in the afternoons when we weren't racing to not be late lol! I won't miss soy sauce and your dirty room. I will miss saturday morning cartoonsoh my gosh Im cryin lol
I hope your ugly boyfriend drops dead so I won't need to worry about him next year. It sounds like I am writting her a letter. wow okay I need to do that before I embarrasses everyone at the airport that day. I wish it wasn't so many things going on this year cause I had so many stuff planned for us to do together but it was so weird how Peixin has fit into our family....I don't think I will be able to do this with another child again. She was a great addition.
Nathan will be with us the whole month of July. So I need to find something for him to do quick. I can't keep in the house or send him with Joses Mom I need to find some place, camp, sports or something to keep him busy. because that boy will drive me up a wall if he don't have ntohing to do. He reminds me of my dad hyper. He can not sit still and I mean ITS bad at one point this year he bit his nails to the bone and it's because to have something to do. When he is sleeping he grinds his teeth or moves his foot can't sit still not even in his sleep. So I want to keep him active. Everyone should see how cute he is, he is now wearing glasses. He's a doll. A hyder doll lol
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Easter
So the Easter weekend was nice. Hubs and Me finally got back in sync with each other after a strange phase of getting on each other nerves. Who would have known we just needed to spend a weekend shooting it out on black ops! We both thought each other was very sexy killing folks.We are weird yes I know. LOL Ugh lifes a trip.
Anyways so most of you know I have quit smoking and it's been suprisingly very easy with my handy dandy patches. I mean I have had a couple of iritable days and little urges here and there but nothing I can't handle. Well I left work friday during lunch to go cash my check and run around a pay a few bills cause of the Easter Holiday and all I didn't know what was going to be closed. The traffic was SO SO bad. I'm driving in College Station going down Texas Ave and I have a very very slow person in front of me and a very pissed off person in back of me, which makes me nervous period. but the person in backs besides to go around me right in the same time the slow person decides to get out of our way. This truck completely slams on his breaks to avoid hitting the slow person and BAM someone rear ends the truck. I finally pass the slow car and see little old grandma just driving along doesn't even know what just happened...In my head I'm thinking these freaking people are crazy I'm going to pull over get some gas and get back to work these bills can wait. So I see Kroger and begin to turn in when the person in front of me turns into the lane that everyone leaving krogers gets in!!! Oh my gosh so ppl are honking and freakin out cause he can't figure out how to get out and I'm not moving cause the people behind me won't back up...so he finally gets through and we end up both headed for the gas station....This whole time I can feel my anixiety level rasing higher and higher. Pull up behind this big ass truck getting gas and wait for about 20 min till he fills that damn thing up and then he cant get out.......cause the gas thing in front has ppl who are in line the opposite way so he decides he is going to back up between me and the other people on the other side. HIS TRUCK GETS SO CLOSE TO MINE I JUST KNOW THEY ARE GOING TO HIT....and my anxiety attack hits me! I felt like I couldnt breathe, I'm scared, now I'm blocked in and can't move....I didnt even put gas I waited there for about 30 min until I could get out went home crying and called into work That I wasnt going back!! Jose finally got me calmed down we he got home from work but I still insisted on not leaving the house till the next day! Yesturday I forgot to put on my patch and really just had the urge to smoke after lunch and then that whole rest of the work day by the time I got home I WAS TIRED. I cooked dinner and passed out around 6:30 and slept until I had to get up the this morning for work and I so did not want to. But I got up in such a bad mood lol it was so ridiculous. And then about 9am I got sick!! Light headed, naused, hot flashes. I thought I was going to have to get Jose to come get me and take me to the hospital. I looked up the side effects of the patches and sure enough everything I was feeling was a symptom. Scared me half to death I riped that damn thing off my arm and threw it away. It even causes anxiety which would explain my little episode at Krogers. I just can't understand it it was working so great and then just this past week it affected me so bad. I have such a weird body geez. Anyways no more patches I hate taking all those meds they subscribe anyways. I mean they have a commerical they explain the drug and then the side effects may include cancer, heart attacks, cronic headaches, internal bleeding! Yeah your sinuses might be gone but your gonna have a damn heart attack in the next week or so. crazy fools. Thats why I am scared to take all that stuff cause you might be destroying your body you never know. From now on it's going to be cold turkey people better watch out because I am going to be such a bitch I already know.
A little bit of Easter Blues:
So I got home Saturday afternoon and when I pulled up I noticed a little purple Easter basket sitting next to my door. I knew who it was from, my mom....It had some finger nail polish a little thing of body spray and a stuffed rabbit with some candy. It really melted my heart...I loved it! It was so sweet of her to think of me and give me a basket like I was still a little kid. But, you work next door to my house and you have never stopped by. I got my new lease in the mail that same day and relized I have almost been living there for a whole year and you dont even know what the inside of my house looks like. Shelley was down this wkend and called and invited me to go out to my moms....how could I? It doesnt feel the same anymore. It's just akward. Then she said well Larry isnt going to be there. Oh wow so he leaves and I come over like nothing ever happend. I just want to point this out! Okay all of you know that I forgive people like nothing I hardly ever stand up for myself but this is something that I won't back down from. Until she makes an effort to make things right again. Until she shows ME that she wants to be apart of my life. I am not going out of my way to fix things with her. Shelley and Jessica upset me because they are putting Oh had such a wonderful Easter...Really?? You know I am going to see that. But your gonna rub it in aren't you? and make me feel bad.They both bend over backwards so they can have her in their lives. I aint doing it. Anyways I don't see what is the big deal about my mother other than she is like a fun friend other than that I really don't see why people try so hard to get along with her. But whatever I was sad because I really didn't have a family to celebrate Easter with. I felt alone completely. It was just Jose, Peixin and me and Peixin wanted to go chat with her bf. It's my new life my own family I guess but it sure doesn't seem complete sometimes. I miss my family but I don't miss my mom always hurting my feelings and letting me down.
Anyways so most of you know I have quit smoking and it's been suprisingly very easy with my handy dandy patches. I mean I have had a couple of iritable days and little urges here and there but nothing I can't handle. Well I left work friday during lunch to go cash my check and run around a pay a few bills cause of the Easter Holiday and all I didn't know what was going to be closed. The traffic was SO SO bad. I'm driving in College Station going down Texas Ave and I have a very very slow person in front of me and a very pissed off person in back of me, which makes me nervous period. but the person in backs besides to go around me right in the same time the slow person decides to get out of our way. This truck completely slams on his breaks to avoid hitting the slow person and BAM someone rear ends the truck. I finally pass the slow car and see little old grandma just driving along doesn't even know what just happened...In my head I'm thinking these freaking people are crazy I'm going to pull over get some gas and get back to work these bills can wait. So I see Kroger and begin to turn in when the person in front of me turns into the lane that everyone leaving krogers gets in!!! Oh my gosh so ppl are honking and freakin out cause he can't figure out how to get out and I'm not moving cause the people behind me won't back up...so he finally gets through and we end up both headed for the gas station....This whole time I can feel my anixiety level rasing higher and higher. Pull up behind this big ass truck getting gas and wait for about 20 min till he fills that damn thing up and then he cant get out.......cause the gas thing in front has ppl who are in line the opposite way so he decides he is going to back up between me and the other people on the other side. HIS TRUCK GETS SO CLOSE TO MINE I JUST KNOW THEY ARE GOING TO HIT....and my anxiety attack hits me! I felt like I couldnt breathe, I'm scared, now I'm blocked in and can't move....I didnt even put gas I waited there for about 30 min until I could get out went home crying and called into work That I wasnt going back!! Jose finally got me calmed down we he got home from work but I still insisted on not leaving the house till the next day! Yesturday I forgot to put on my patch and really just had the urge to smoke after lunch and then that whole rest of the work day by the time I got home I WAS TIRED. I cooked dinner and passed out around 6:30 and slept until I had to get up the this morning for work and I so did not want to. But I got up in such a bad mood lol it was so ridiculous. And then about 9am I got sick!! Light headed, naused, hot flashes. I thought I was going to have to get Jose to come get me and take me to the hospital. I looked up the side effects of the patches and sure enough everything I was feeling was a symptom. Scared me half to death I riped that damn thing off my arm and threw it away. It even causes anxiety which would explain my little episode at Krogers. I just can't understand it it was working so great and then just this past week it affected me so bad. I have such a weird body geez. Anyways no more patches I hate taking all those meds they subscribe anyways. I mean they have a commerical they explain the drug and then the side effects may include cancer, heart attacks, cronic headaches, internal bleeding! Yeah your sinuses might be gone but your gonna have a damn heart attack in the next week or so. crazy fools. Thats why I am scared to take all that stuff cause you might be destroying your body you never know. From now on it's going to be cold turkey people better watch out because I am going to be such a bitch I already know.
A little bit of Easter Blues:
So I got home Saturday afternoon and when I pulled up I noticed a little purple Easter basket sitting next to my door. I knew who it was from, my mom....It had some finger nail polish a little thing of body spray and a stuffed rabbit with some candy. It really melted my heart...I loved it! It was so sweet of her to think of me and give me a basket like I was still a little kid. But, you work next door to my house and you have never stopped by. I got my new lease in the mail that same day and relized I have almost been living there for a whole year and you dont even know what the inside of my house looks like. Shelley was down this wkend and called and invited me to go out to my moms....how could I? It doesnt feel the same anymore. It's just akward. Then she said well Larry isnt going to be there. Oh wow so he leaves and I come over like nothing ever happend. I just want to point this out! Okay all of you know that I forgive people like nothing I hardly ever stand up for myself but this is something that I won't back down from. Until she makes an effort to make things right again. Until she shows ME that she wants to be apart of my life. I am not going out of my way to fix things with her. Shelley and Jessica upset me because they are putting Oh had such a wonderful Easter...Really?? You know I am going to see that. But your gonna rub it in aren't you? and make me feel bad.They both bend over backwards so they can have her in their lives. I aint doing it. Anyways I don't see what is the big deal about my mother other than she is like a fun friend other than that I really don't see why people try so hard to get along with her. But whatever I was sad because I really didn't have a family to celebrate Easter with. I felt alone completely. It was just Jose, Peixin and me and Peixin wanted to go chat with her bf. It's my new life my own family I guess but it sure doesn't seem complete sometimes. I miss my family but I don't miss my mom always hurting my feelings and letting me down.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Not A Good Choice
So I'm pretty much passed pissed I'm just plain angry! Over the passed months all of our 2's have announced their retirement. Neatless to say that is bascially saying here is a promotion to all of the 1's next in line which would include ME! Today the new lady that has been here a little over a month is now training for what I thought was going to be my new job with the great pay raise that I really need. YES!!! Because she has prior experience and has age over me. So as of now all my friends the 1's will be moving to their new offices with their great pay raises while I stay behind training the new 1's for the upcoming busy season. Swollow another blow below the knees Natalie. Suck it up and move on....yeah right!!! HA suck it up until when? Once they get in those position ain't nobody going no where. I will be a 1 for the next 20 years until one of them decides to retire. I feel so betrayed how can they do that? I'm next in line and I have shown enough responsiblity for that job. Honestly when I saw that other girl training I cried, but I don't want them to see me upset so i snapped out of it. I just don't know how I am going to suck it up it's almost unbearable. I'm not that strong. Then I thought well I can ask one of the 2's to train me in secret and prove myself at least give her some competition. When I asked the lady said she would but she doesn't have the authority to take me from my work and just train me. I would have to ask one of the bosses. Thing is is that the new lady has now become friends with the suck ups and the bosses always take their sides. So I'm not sure if I do go in there if they will shrug me off and if I really try my hardest it will be for nothing and leave me more upset than now. And I don't want to battle I'm gonna have to kiss major ass and the thought of it just makes me sick to my stomach. I don't feel like doing any more work for these people anymore. She doesn't deserve that job, I do. Is it time for a job change? What hell am I going to do? With the economy the way it is I am so scared to leave A&M but damn they are always doing people so wrong. I feel like if I just bend over and take it then I am so weak and they are gonna run over me forever and if I feel that if I fight I am going to lose cause I know how they are. I know this upcoming busy season I am going to be swamped with SO much work and they are gonna dump all the load on me. Life is so unfair sometimes...It's times like these that I wish I had a parent I could talk to to guide me in the right direction cause I honestly don't know what to do. Ugh I don't want to watch this lady move to what was supposed to be my desk and have to work under her calculating her GPA's oh gosh please give me a break!!! Just one little break.Did I mention life sucks?
Monday, April 18, 2011
I am my own worst enemy
It's been along time since I posted so I have keep a list of everything I would have blogged about if I had time to sit and actually write...remember this blog is about me and the changes I want to make so bare with me.
So lately I've noticed a real problem with myself that I really hate and want to change. I am constantly have negative thoughts. I think negative on everything, myself most of all, and just life really. If something good happens to me I am happy but think about what bad is going to happen next. It's like I'm almost paranoid or something...I even dream of all my fears. Like when I have something planned I dream it's going to rain. If I buy myself a pair of jeans I think about a bill or I start to feel gulity because I know Jose or Nathan or the house really needs this or that and so I never buy myself anything. I mean that is a little extreme, right?
Also, another thing I have noticed. I have defently become a piss on. LOL Funny for those who know me I guess but it is really bothering me now and it used to not. I think it is because Jose is constantly reminding me that I need to stick up for myself when I talk to him about certain things and it pisses me off because I know it's true. At work I am constantly being overlooked. After almost 4 years of working here I am a little tired of it. I always get stuck finishing up the extra work at the end of a major project that everyone jas been working on. Which is usally finding and correcting everyone errors while the others are getting the satisfactory of a job well done. Yet they never ask for my opions in the meetings it's always just opions on what everyone else thinks. I know I am the youngest and others have been here longer than this building has been built but this feeling of being the "piss on" gets old quick. I can tell they see me as a child and I just hate it! I have to take some responsiblilty because I do present myself like that and do sometimes not feel like battling with someone to prove myself right most of the time to avoid an agurment I let them have their way.
Which brings me to my house. I love my family so much that I think I have disabled them that they can't do anything for themselves. I know on most blogs everyone talks wonderful things about their families but for the blogs sake lets talk real. Does your family run you ragged to the point where you are always mad at something? Most of you have little babies and I think that there is a huge difference in what our days hold for us. Not saying either one is easy all I'm saying is difference. Either way I think we stress ourselves out. It's not the kids or husband that do it, it's the fact that we think they need our help on everything that we disable them to think for themselves and they each need our help for everything. I looked very closely this weekend at my family. So the first thing I noticed this wkend was my errands that I do friday afternoon and saturday.
Friday afternoon- is grocery shopping most of the time
Mistakes- Kids can I go "yes" answer should have been "No"
reasons=they are old enough to stay home/I am on a budget and I hate telling them no when they want something = stress
One wants to go look around and I never can find her when its time to go
One wants to go to the toy isle which I do not have the $ for and I want to get in get out
Husband for some reason to me makes them more roudy/ and they all stick stuff in the basket
Correction= I'm going to go to the store by myself early saturday morning. They are not going to wake up that early. I am going to stop and get me a fresh brewed coffee and hunt for sales. ME TIME
I am going to run the errands by myself. Husbands crazy road rage-vanished/kids hungry and hot-vanished-my sanity-still here
Chores= They can help
After buying groceries and paying bills with all this madness, they go inside and Nathan turns on the TV Peixin goes to her room and Me and hubs are left to bring in the groceries. Thanks kids for all the help!
I put the groceries up and most of the time began lunch.....I'm exhausted but now it is time to clean the house.
Why do I do this to myself. Can't the house stay dirty until after lunch...Can't I go take a nap how about the kids can't they clean while I take my nap?? I mean I run myself ragged I never get the chance to enjoy my family. how come I can't sit and watch that movie with Nathan or visit with Peixin and then get to cleaning. I get myself so mad cause nobody wants to help and then I don't even want to be around them.
I know this is life but I honestly did not know how bad it was until my little cigerette breaks were cut.
Emotionally all of us has our own little problem we are going through right now:
Peixin has fell in love with a boy from her hometown. He is a couple of years older than her and she seems to be head over heals for him. (He's her first boyfriend) So anyways this creates a problem for me because I am not telling her parents because Peixin is not allowed to have a boyfriend. Her family will actually introduce her to a boy they think fits her. As she says the families will most likely be family friends and they most have money and be well educated. So her current boyfriend is a little younger than me which is just freaking akward and comes from a poor family and from the pictures she has showed me smokes...After a visit from her aunt Peixin and me were very instructed that she needs to be doing her essay for college and studing for her SAT's but I can't do nothing with her since her head are in the clouds. This past wkend we went camping and all I heard from her was when are were leaving that she needed to chat with her boyfriend he will be waiting on her. While we were in the water or making a fire Peixin was by herself daydreaming about god knows what...oh lord! She is also not going home for the summer which I just found out not long ago. Peixin will be in boarding school attending SAT lessons.....so she won't be home having fun and visiting with her parents which is very sad to me but her parents want the best for her and are willing to sacrafice time with their daughter until after college. I dont think I would be able to do that but like I said I'm not her parent. So Miss Peixin is going through alot and I have to say I havent been very nice to her because she is gaga over some boy and not taking care of business like she is supposed to be doing. Anyways I have given her I think too much space than she knows what to do with so I had a talk with her this morning and I dont know if I got through to her cause she responded with everything I wanted to hear, so fake! But I'm sure I will be the devil trying to keep her and her lover apart for the remainder of the summer. =/
Nathan is growing like a weed and is as quick to every agrue with everything to see how far he can get. The lastest remarks are "But you promised". "Nana are you taking me to the water park." Me "I don't know Nathan I have alot to do today". Nathan "But you promised" I didn't promise anything but you couldn't tell him that cause it would end up with him in time out crying and me feeling gulity. Nathan is having a hard time with us all going to court. At one point he though we were trying to take him away from his brother and sister. Just a mess. Knowing that it was the best thing for Nathan I still have trouble being happy we won because of the problems we put on Nathan. It's so hard because I feel like we lost his trust for us in some ways. He calls me Natalie now and it breaks my heart even though I would never make him call me Nana its just that he has called me that every since he was little and it just grew on me. But he is confused and hurt right now so he can call me whatever he wants. When we pick him up on fridays it's he is so quite he doesnt even talk much to us and doesnt greet us with hugs and a happy face hes just quiet. But come saturday evening he is all hugs and for some reason started to kiss me good night after our prayers. It wants to be rocked like a baby and sit close during movie time. But then sunday comes and he gets anxious and starts pulling away...One the ride back he doesnt talk just asks when Jose is going to pick him up. I dont know what is going through his mind because he wont talk about it with me. He is not the same Nathan before this whole court thing. I guess my biggest fear is that when he grows up he will hate us and not want to come visit. Jose gets on to me because I always say yes to everything but I cant help it we dont see him enough to discipline him I think. But today there will be no more fighting ( yeah right) because everyone has finally agreed to the new order and signed the papers. So I hope that in time it will only be a just be the fact that his daddy was fighting just for him and he will see the love we have for him. On another note Nathan loves to dance, I think the best thing we ever got for Nathan was Just Dance for the Wii. He loves it!!! But here recently he has started this dirty dancing....and everything that we sees looks like a weiner....I think every little boy goes through this phase but it is such a weird one. At times it is funny but other times I seriously have to think about it and just get on to him cause I just don't like the idea of that whole thing. The other day I was eating a pickle and he said it looked like a weiner.....NOT COOL!! Now I will catch him with his arm around Peixin and its just's wow what can you do. Boys will be boys! But he is getting so big and that stuff is not cute anymore we really have to watch him now and make sure to instill whats right and wrong.
Right now I've been looking at this whole picture and I have had Peixin for almost a year and Nathan we get him reguarly almost for a year now. It just amazes me, I never thought I would be a step mom and a guardian. It just something that when your little you never think about. I have all these mommy feelings but yet I missed the whole baby part and went to age 7 and 18. Don't get me wrong I wanted all of this and I love it but now I can't help but think more and more of having my own baby. I am techincally helping to raise everyone else's. I can see the emotions of not being able to have one right now boil over into all this.With me I have mixed feelings about it all. I love it but then I hate it. It's hard to care for a child that is not techincally yours. I guess it's like you know how you would handle your own kids but you wouldn't feel comfortable doing it to someone elses kids. I'm a complete mommy in spurts and then I'm not and I want to be. Something is wrong as far as me having children and the thought of what it could be is scary to me. Because I don't have the money to actually go and figure all this out. My last testing was going to be $520.00 and I had to rescheldule cause I couldn't afford it. And I still can't. Plus after this custody battle I just don't have it in me right now to hit the infertility world. But it weighs heavly on my mind all the time and I see how a baby can really just brighten up everything in my life right now. Bring joy to my family, Jose and Me could fill maybe more complete I guess. I think about it all the time and I now that when my time does come I will be more happier than any pregant women ever was.
I think life is so crazy at times and I get so wrapped up in my problems that I forget to capture the good moments in all of it. Sometimes I have to go to my little alone place and think about all these things cause I don't give myself time to think about it and fix it. And it's days like these where I just have so much to think about and get out. There is something new everyday another blessing another issue and I ignore them. This best place I find myself these days are when I'm alone and can think. I like to be alone and think I never did it and now I can't get enough of it. I am changing so much and am dealing with issues that I never did take time to do. Dwelling maybe, unhappy no. I always cry at the end of my blogs. But not because I'm sad it just a relief to have it out in the open.......
So lately I've noticed a real problem with myself that I really hate and want to change. I am constantly have negative thoughts. I think negative on everything, myself most of all, and just life really. If something good happens to me I am happy but think about what bad is going to happen next. It's like I'm almost paranoid or something...I even dream of all my fears. Like when I have something planned I dream it's going to rain. If I buy myself a pair of jeans I think about a bill or I start to feel gulity because I know Jose or Nathan or the house really needs this or that and so I never buy myself anything. I mean that is a little extreme, right?
Also, another thing I have noticed. I have defently become a piss on. LOL Funny for those who know me I guess but it is really bothering me now and it used to not. I think it is because Jose is constantly reminding me that I need to stick up for myself when I talk to him about certain things and it pisses me off because I know it's true. At work I am constantly being overlooked. After almost 4 years of working here I am a little tired of it. I always get stuck finishing up the extra work at the end of a major project that everyone jas been working on. Which is usally finding and correcting everyone errors while the others are getting the satisfactory of a job well done. Yet they never ask for my opions in the meetings it's always just opions on what everyone else thinks. I know I am the youngest and others have been here longer than this building has been built but this feeling of being the "piss on" gets old quick. I can tell they see me as a child and I just hate it! I have to take some responsiblilty because I do present myself like that and do sometimes not feel like battling with someone to prove myself right most of the time to avoid an agurment I let them have their way.
Which brings me to my house. I love my family so much that I think I have disabled them that they can't do anything for themselves. I know on most blogs everyone talks wonderful things about their families but for the blogs sake lets talk real. Does your family run you ragged to the point where you are always mad at something? Most of you have little babies and I think that there is a huge difference in what our days hold for us. Not saying either one is easy all I'm saying is difference. Either way I think we stress ourselves out. It's not the kids or husband that do it, it's the fact that we think they need our help on everything that we disable them to think for themselves and they each need our help for everything. I looked very closely this weekend at my family. So the first thing I noticed this wkend was my errands that I do friday afternoon and saturday.
Friday afternoon- is grocery shopping most of the time
Mistakes- Kids can I go "yes" answer should have been "No"
reasons=they are old enough to stay home/I am on a budget and I hate telling them no when they want something = stress
One wants to go look around and I never can find her when its time to go
One wants to go to the toy isle which I do not have the $ for and I want to get in get out
Husband for some reason to me makes them more roudy/ and they all stick stuff in the basket
Correction= I'm going to go to the store by myself early saturday morning. They are not going to wake up that early. I am going to stop and get me a fresh brewed coffee and hunt for sales. ME TIME
I am going to run the errands by myself. Husbands crazy road rage-vanished/kids hungry and hot-vanished-my sanity-still here
Chores= They can help
After buying groceries and paying bills with all this madness, they go inside and Nathan turns on the TV Peixin goes to her room and Me and hubs are left to bring in the groceries. Thanks kids for all the help!
I put the groceries up and most of the time began lunch.....I'm exhausted but now it is time to clean the house.
Why do I do this to myself. Can't the house stay dirty until after lunch...Can't I go take a nap how about the kids can't they clean while I take my nap?? I mean I run myself ragged I never get the chance to enjoy my family. how come I can't sit and watch that movie with Nathan or visit with Peixin and then get to cleaning. I get myself so mad cause nobody wants to help and then I don't even want to be around them.
I know this is life but I honestly did not know how bad it was until my little cigerette breaks were cut.
Emotionally all of us has our own little problem we are going through right now:
Peixin has fell in love with a boy from her hometown. He is a couple of years older than her and she seems to be head over heals for him. (He's her first boyfriend) So anyways this creates a problem for me because I am not telling her parents because Peixin is not allowed to have a boyfriend. Her family will actually introduce her to a boy they think fits her. As she says the families will most likely be family friends and they most have money and be well educated. So her current boyfriend is a little younger than me which is just freaking akward and comes from a poor family and from the pictures she has showed me smokes...After a visit from her aunt Peixin and me were very instructed that she needs to be doing her essay for college and studing for her SAT's but I can't do nothing with her since her head are in the clouds. This past wkend we went camping and all I heard from her was when are were leaving that she needed to chat with her boyfriend he will be waiting on her. While we were in the water or making a fire Peixin was by herself daydreaming about god knows what...oh lord! She is also not going home for the summer which I just found out not long ago. Peixin will be in boarding school attending SAT lessons.....so she won't be home having fun and visiting with her parents which is very sad to me but her parents want the best for her and are willing to sacrafice time with their daughter until after college. I dont think I would be able to do that but like I said I'm not her parent. So Miss Peixin is going through alot and I have to say I havent been very nice to her because she is gaga over some boy and not taking care of business like she is supposed to be doing. Anyways I have given her I think too much space than she knows what to do with so I had a talk with her this morning and I dont know if I got through to her cause she responded with everything I wanted to hear, so fake! But I'm sure I will be the devil trying to keep her and her lover apart for the remainder of the summer. =/
Nathan is growing like a weed and is as quick to every agrue with everything to see how far he can get. The lastest remarks are "But you promised". "Nana are you taking me to the water park." Me "I don't know Nathan I have alot to do today". Nathan "But you promised" I didn't promise anything but you couldn't tell him that cause it would end up with him in time out crying and me feeling gulity. Nathan is having a hard time with us all going to court. At one point he though we were trying to take him away from his brother and sister. Just a mess. Knowing that it was the best thing for Nathan I still have trouble being happy we won because of the problems we put on Nathan. It's so hard because I feel like we lost his trust for us in some ways. He calls me Natalie now and it breaks my heart even though I would never make him call me Nana its just that he has called me that every since he was little and it just grew on me. But he is confused and hurt right now so he can call me whatever he wants. When we pick him up on fridays it's he is so quite he doesnt even talk much to us and doesnt greet us with hugs and a happy face hes just quiet. But come saturday evening he is all hugs and for some reason started to kiss me good night after our prayers. It wants to be rocked like a baby and sit close during movie time. But then sunday comes and he gets anxious and starts pulling away...One the ride back he doesnt talk just asks when Jose is going to pick him up. I dont know what is going through his mind because he wont talk about it with me. He is not the same Nathan before this whole court thing. I guess my biggest fear is that when he grows up he will hate us and not want to come visit. Jose gets on to me because I always say yes to everything but I cant help it we dont see him enough to discipline him I think. But today there will be no more fighting ( yeah right) because everyone has finally agreed to the new order and signed the papers. So I hope that in time it will only be a just be the fact that his daddy was fighting just for him and he will see the love we have for him. On another note Nathan loves to dance, I think the best thing we ever got for Nathan was Just Dance for the Wii. He loves it!!! But here recently he has started this dirty dancing....and everything that we sees looks like a weiner....I think every little boy goes through this phase but it is such a weird one. At times it is funny but other times I seriously have to think about it and just get on to him cause I just don't like the idea of that whole thing. The other day I was eating a pickle and he said it looked like a weiner.....NOT COOL!! Now I will catch him with his arm around Peixin and its just's wow what can you do. Boys will be boys! But he is getting so big and that stuff is not cute anymore we really have to watch him now and make sure to instill whats right and wrong.
Right now I've been looking at this whole picture and I have had Peixin for almost a year and Nathan we get him reguarly almost for a year now. It just amazes me, I never thought I would be a step mom and a guardian. It just something that when your little you never think about. I have all these mommy feelings but yet I missed the whole baby part and went to age 7 and 18. Don't get me wrong I wanted all of this and I love it but now I can't help but think more and more of having my own baby. I am techincally helping to raise everyone else's. I can see the emotions of not being able to have one right now boil over into all this.With me I have mixed feelings about it all. I love it but then I hate it. It's hard to care for a child that is not techincally yours. I guess it's like you know how you would handle your own kids but you wouldn't feel comfortable doing it to someone elses kids. I'm a complete mommy in spurts and then I'm not and I want to be. Something is wrong as far as me having children and the thought of what it could be is scary to me. Because I don't have the money to actually go and figure all this out. My last testing was going to be $520.00 and I had to rescheldule cause I couldn't afford it. And I still can't. Plus after this custody battle I just don't have it in me right now to hit the infertility world. But it weighs heavly on my mind all the time and I see how a baby can really just brighten up everything in my life right now. Bring joy to my family, Jose and Me could fill maybe more complete I guess. I think about it all the time and I now that when my time does come I will be more happier than any pregant women ever was.
I think life is so crazy at times and I get so wrapped up in my problems that I forget to capture the good moments in all of it. Sometimes I have to go to my little alone place and think about all these things cause I don't give myself time to think about it and fix it. And it's days like these where I just have so much to think about and get out. There is something new everyday another blessing another issue and I ignore them. This best place I find myself these days are when I'm alone and can think. I like to be alone and think I never did it and now I can't get enough of it. I am changing so much and am dealing with issues that I never did take time to do. Dwelling maybe, unhappy no. I always cry at the end of my blogs. But not because I'm sad it just a relief to have it out in the open.......
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